"Cold Pizza": Weekends at "The Pizza Parlor"

On weekends, when I get a chance, I will post some of my old writings as a stroll through memory lane or just to get some extra miles out of my old material. Sometimes the leftovers are the best part of the meal and hopefully you will enjoy these as well.

And the best part about this "Cold Pizza": No Skip Bayless!

"Cold Pizza": Derek's Wedding Blogs

"Wedding Crashers" starring Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn opens this weekend. While my experiences haven't been as sensational as those depicted in the movie, I too have had a few interesting wedding experiences.

Enjoy the memories:

Josh Hughes Wedding Blog Part I

Josh Hughes Wedding Blog Part II

Scott Isaacs Wedding Blog

Hopefully these will keep you occupied until the "Paul Amin Wedding Blog" due out Monday, September 5.

"The Works" 7/15/05

If you order a salad with no onions and the waitress brings out a salad with two big red onions on top. Don't send it back. Just take the god damn onions off...

What the hell does "Pond de Replay" mean???

Next time you're at your local deli look to the left and buy yourself some "San Pedro" Restaurant Style Salsa. You'll thank me later...

If MTV would just play the new Jessica Simpson video right after the new Shakira video around say 11:30 at night, it would save me a lot of sleep and money...

Jason Bay made it too easy to crack Canada jokes Monday at the Home Run Derby. Forgot to take the cream eh? Try hitting the ball with a hockey stick you hoser! It's aboot bat speed!

Seeing Alex Rodriguez waving the Dominican flag made me want to throw up? Hey A-Rod, name the capital of the Dominican Republic. Alex? Need an answer. No, you can't phone a friend. No, you can't Google it...

By the way, my favorite All-Star Moment: Jennie Finch pitching to Amanda Beard during the celebrity softball game...

Go read Jessica Biel's IMDB.com page. Her agent is stealing money from her...


If you find yourself masturbating to the sex scene in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, in the words of Johnny Drama, "Turn your dick in!"

And did the maker of that game make his game just to get a plug from Bill O'Reilly's Talking Points once a month?

Where do I place my bet on "Paul and his brother will stop talking to each other for three hours next weekend after a fight over who the should be the next Knicks head coach"? How close is Beers' cubicle to Jim Cramer's? Where is Greco? In a Fantasy Football Bunker in New Mexico? It scares me when I don't hear from Fantasy Sports opponents, speaking of which...

I saw Broncos RB Tatum Bell on the cover of a fantasy football magazine this week. Made me want to hang myself with my Broncos flag. How did they get a photographer to shoot him during his kickoff coverage plays? Has there ever been more magazine hype for a player who played a majority of his plays last year on special teams?

Let the bass from the speakers, run through your sneakers.

Loverboy...out!

"Toppings": Wednesdays at 'The Pizza Parlor'

"Toppings": My Top Ten Favorite Lists

10. AFI's 100 Best Movie Lines- Disappointed "Stop Looking at me Swan!" did not make the list.

9. SportsCenter's Not So Top Ten Plays- Squirrels waterskiing is always funny.

8. Maxim Hot 100- You just get the feeling these spots are up for sale. Is Evangeline Lilly really hotter than Jessica Alba, or was her publicist just willing to 'go the extra mile'?

7. Mr. Blackwell's Top Ten Worst Dressed List- Only the live presentation, you think Mr. Blackwell may be gay?

6. College Football's new Harris Interactive Collegefootball Poll (HICP)- I look forward to calling this "The Hiccup" all season long.

5. David Letterman's TopTen List- From 'Late Night' not 'The Late Show'

4. SportsCentury 100- Substitute Secretariat with John Elway and the list is perfect!

3. FHM's 100 Sexiest Women- As voted by horny men young and old alike, the way women should be judged.

2. VH1 and Blender's Most Awesomely Bad Dirrty Songs- Don't get anything to drink if you see this on a Saturday Afternoon, you'll be drinking most of it through your nose. Makes you feel stupid for dancing to songs called 'Knockin Da Boots'

1. Every list that will appear on 'Toppings' Wednesdays each week- Who doesn't like to debate a good list. Nothing stirs up conversation like ranking people, moments, and media one above the other. Readers at "The Pizza Parlor" will enjoy sampling 'The Toppings'.

"Extra Sauce": Tuesdays at The Pizza Parlor

Like 99% of red-blooded American men, I love sports. Sports have the power to make us feel at times as if we can be as great as the athletes we cheer on to be. While not all events in sports are cause for cheering, some events in sports are cause for writing. Every Tuesday at The Pizza Parlor, Derek will write his thoughts on a particular topic in Sports. Whether it has to do with his Broncos, Red Sox, or Syracuse, or just something so controversial it bears discussing. You can find it Tuesdays at The Pizza Parlor.

2005 Red Sox Midseason Evaluations

Extra Sauce: 2005 Boston Red Sox Midseason Player Evaluations
It’s been over nine months since the Boston Red Sox gave me and the rest of New England the moment of a lifetime. The past nine months have seen the Red Sox make sure no one in any bar or card table anywhere ever asks “Who won the World Series in 2004?” during the off-season.

Whether it was Johnny Damon on Lettermen; Mike Timlin, Alan Embree, and Tim Wakefield on Leno; Damon, Wakefield, Jason Varitek, Kevin Millar and backup catcher Doug Mirabelli on ‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’; or the biggest chick flick I’ve ever been duped into seeing- ‘Fever Pitch’; It is safe to say the Red Sox got enough publicity for the 86 World Series Champions before them as well as themselves.

In the meantime, Red Sox fans, I mean Red Sox NATION has become equally forced upon the rest of the country. Ever since the victory parade, Red Sox fans have been that dorky kid who was a virgin all through high school, only to nail the head cheerleader after a three-keg graduation party, that won’t stop talking about it all summer long, and won’t let mention of the girls’ name without an audible sinister giggle.

Now we are at the All-Star break for the 2005 season the Red Sox are 49-38 in first place ahead of the overachieving Baltimore Orioles and the extremely underachieving New York Yankees. That said, it is hard to argue that the Red Sox are anything close to the best team in baseball this year, and believe it or not they are grateful to be playing in the AL East.

So in lieu of the customary Midseason Report Cards that show up in every city newspaper today, I the Loverboy have summoned all significant Red Sox players (stay home Yousilus) into the Parlor for an honest evaluation. So come on in, shut the door, have a seat! First up, how fitting is Johnny Damon.

Johnny Damon: “Great job! You could make a case for team MVP if you didn’t play ahead of the best clutch hitter in all of baseball. Your bunt for basehit yesterday in your last at bat with a 24 game hit streak on the line will have Joe DiMaggio rolling in his grave if get your streak up to 40. You’re a little banged up, you probably shouldn’t play in the All-Star Game, but I know it’s on national TV so you have to be there. Oh and by the way, Kelly Clarkson called, she says you’re overexposed, bring in Edgar”


Edgar Renteria: “Edgar, you only have 47 runs at the break and an on-base percentage under .333. When Theo signed you he looked like a genius, now it may have been more affordable…what?...what you say?...oh you don’t speak much English? OK.
You…not good as…Cabrera…Field ball clean…Get on base…send in Papi”

David Ortiz: “How’s the Mango Salsa? We’ve hired Matt Leinart’s PR firm for your MVP campaign. Just don’t get hurt, please please don’t get hurt?”

Manny Ramirez: “Hope you’re happy we sent Papi in third and you in fourth, you’re the AL RBI Leader, hitting over .350 since May 1, but it seems like whenever you’re up in situations when we’re behind and need runs, you pop up more than an internet porn site. Would feel much better if you came through more late in games.

Mark Bellhorn: “Mark hitting .221 with 102 strikeouts is just not going to cut it on a championship contending team. Either get the bat on the ball or we going to have to call up one of our middle-infield phenoms Hanley Ramirez or Dustin Pedroia. Mark? Mark? Are you awake? Say something?”

Jason Varitek: “El Capitan, can’t say enough about you, best off-season signing by far, needless to say. You have come on strong since Brian Beers didn’t put you on his All-Star Ballot. Don’t take it personally, he hates the Red Sox”

Kevin Millar: “.264, 4 Home Runs, 18 Extra Base Hits, 32 RBI’s and you’re pissed off because you get replaced for DEFENSIVE purposes? I couldn’t agree more, get out of here!”

Bill Mueller: “Hey, you know you won a World Series too last year, right? Besides one NESN commercial, you’re practically hiding in a hole in the ground compared to the rest of this team. .285 ain’t bad for an eighth hitter. Silent but solid, that’s how we like you.”

Trot Nixon: “.861 OPS and you’re even hitting lefties this year. Good reason all my female friends want to bang you.”

Curt Schilling: “Hey Curt? Can you turn away from the Everquest for a second? Curt you don’t have to reply to everyone on Sons of Sam Horn. Curt? Curt? Curt wait to call WEEI what I have to say is important. So far you’ve done more pitching in Pawtucket then Boston. That must’ve sucked I know. So to get you out of that hell hole we’re going to let you continue your rehab in our already shitty bullpen. Sounds like a great idea to me! You are the key to the second half of the season. If you aren’t available this team has no realistic shot at repeating. So be careful, don’t try to be the hero in the 7th of a game against Kansas City and come back as the ace we need you to be. Oh, and if you ever have to buy a beer for yourself in this town, let me know”

Matt Clement: “Nobody else thought you’d pan out, they thought you’d be in the bullpen, but you had the best first half of anyone on the staff and are going to your first All-Star Game, good for you. Now keep it up, because we both know you’re psyche can’t handle a second half collapse.”

Bronson Arroyo: “All in all, you’ve had a good first half. You’ve been hit hard at times, but we both know that was after late night bong sessions with your Pearl Jam ripoff band. Try to keep those to a minimum and you’ll be someone to count on down the stretch.”

Tim Wakefield: “I forgot that you can suck every other year, but it turns out statistically you’re having a better year than it looks. Good thing there isn’t a stat for “Shit Starts” as there is for “Quality Starts”. You’d be a league leader.”

David Wells: ”I was never that crazy when the Red Sox signed you, I believe you are entering the twilight of your career and your best days are well behind you. But I just know that sometime in October, probably against the Yankees, we’re going to need you, and believe it or not, I’ll be pretty confident you’ll come through when that time comes. Just stop hanging out with Tom Arnold.”

Wade Miller: “Son, I’m sorry you were a great pitcher in Houston, but that ridiculous delivery of yours has caught up with you and you are the leading candidate for ‘last guy left off the post-season roster’. Whether you can get your stuff back is in doubt for the second half. Good Luck.”

Mike Timlin: “Stop complaining about not making the All Star Team. If your lord and savior Jesus Christ wanted you on the All Star Team, he would have put you on the All Star Team.”

Alan Embree: “You are our Queen of Spades. I can not wait for the day your ass gets shipped somewhere. You are a lefty who can not get lefties out, what is your point, last but not least, send in Foulke!”

Keith Foulke: “Johnny from Burger King, ha! That’s good, very funny. A collective guffaw from everyone working in food service. Fact is if Johnny from Burger King made Whoppers like you’ve closed games this year, he’d be Johnny from Shaw’s by now. Best of luck with the knee surgery. Make sure they wipe the scrape real good, because we all know you’ll be in a Sports Psychologists office for a month because a blowjob from Jessica Alba wouldn’t give you the confidence you need to close in Boston. Best case scenario, you start on the path to becoming a 4th or 5th starter next year, worse case is you are done in Boston for good.



This and many other questions will be answered in the second half and beyond!

Daily Slices

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas is being investigated in the United States for containing hidden sex scenes accessible through a downloadable code on the Internet. Up until now, I have kept my Playstation collection to Madden, NCAA Football, NCAA March Madness, and MVP Baseball. However I may reconsider.

This is actually from Friday. While I can forgive Arab countries who want to undermine our power in the world and have to live in fear of it's radical element committing terrorist acts. When you go after Olympic Softball, then I'm outraged.

After a storied career as one of Berlin's last remaining prostitues63 year old Renate Dolle plans to retire from prostitution after 49 years. Dolle has been serving very desperate men years after prostitution was banned after the cold war, due to a grandfather clause. We at the Parlor wish Ms. Dolle a Happy Retirement, and her clients some much needed help.

Finally, "Fantastic Four" earned $56 Million at the box office this weekend, helping to end a streak of 19 consecutive weeks in which box-office receipts were down from last year. Apparently Jessica Alba in a tight jumpsuit brings people into the theater. Who knew?

Welcome to The Pizza Parlor!!

While many things may change through the course of a man's life. One thing remains the same, an appreciation for a good pizza.

Whether it was at my 8th Birthday Party at Chuck E. Cheese, to my many drunken late-night pizza at Archie's or Acropolis on the Syracuse University hill, to my current state of underemployment as a server at Bertucci's in Manchester, NH, pizza has always been a constant and will continue to be.

Therfore, I welcome you to the first online Pizza Parlor at thepizzaparlor.blogspot.com. Inside you will find "Loverboy" Derek Lynch's columns and random thoughts.

So come on in and enjoy as The Pizza Parlor is open for business!

"Extra Cheese" Mondays at "The Pizza Parlor"

I consider myself fortunate to live during what will undoubtedly be one of the most mocked times in history when it comes to pop culture. To have it documented that I knew what sucked when it sucked, I will wax poetic on popular culture, from television, to movies, to music on Mondays at "The Pizza Parlor". I welcome you all to voice your comments and write a column of your own, if you'd like, because when it comes to Cheesy Pop Culture. We have you covered!

"Extra Cheese": Hogan Knows Best

Hulk Hogan is the '84 IROC in the garage that got you laid in the '80's, annoyed everyone you knew in the '90's, and have recently installed a new engine for a comeback run at the 20th Year High School Reunion. Outside of Bruce Springsteen, I can't think of a celebrity with more miles that is still as popular today as he was at the height of his career. While Hogan can barely move in a wrestling ring today, he still receives pop in WWE arenas, similar to the one he received when beating the Iron Shiek in 1984.

Also, in the meantime VH1 has mastered attention grabbing programming. Whether it is "I Love the 80's", "40 Most Awesomely Bad Dirrty Songs" or "The Surreal Life", chances are if you can't find anything on on the 699 other channels on television, flipping through VH1 more than not, will leave you satisfied. So when I heard Hogan produced a television show involving his entire family called "Hogan Knows Best", it was a no-brainer what I would be watching last night.

Here's the story, Hulk Hogan and his wife Linda live in a house in Tampa with their two kids: Brooke, a 16-year-old fledgling pop singer whose album "Three Years Too Late" will be in stores sometime this year with the first single "Stop Calling Me Christina" hitting radio stations, well, never. Dad Terry ("Hulk") is hell-bent on making Brooke a pop success despite the uphill battle. And Nick, the other kid.

As for Brooke, yeah I'd hit it, if I was 10 years younger, of course. It's too bad we've already has Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Jessica Simpson or she would have done really well. Now she's counting on her dad's name and this VH1 Series to launch her career. The odds are against her.

As mentioned Hulk Hogan has rejuvenated his career as many times as Madonna. His washed up run in WWE right now is a moderate success, and he is by far the most over wrestler in the company right now, needless to say. VH1 is counting on his wrestling exposure and him being to overprotective dads, what Bridgette Nielsen was to whinos, and Flavor Flav was to recovering crackheads, to make this show a ratings success.

According to insider sources, "Hogan Knows Best" is rumored to be a complete work, although at this point, I'm not sure that most reality television shows aren't works either. Therefore I am keeping an open mind with my Tostitos and San Pedro Salsa as the show comes on after a hilarious "Surreal Life" which may be the topic of next week's "Extra Cheese".

The show starts off with Brooke talking about how overprotected she is, she is not allowed to go out at all, and has never been on a date at the age of 16. While she is online, she gets a call from a boy named Adam, asking her to go to Busch Gardens. Brooke is thrilled, but tells Adam, she has to ask her parents first.

Adam is a 22 year old college student from a college unnamed. He is a friend of Nick, apparently they fix up cars together. He drives a Blue Camaro and other than hanging out with a 14 year old and wanting to date a 16 year old, is a normal college kid.

Brooke, after discussing with her mom pitches the idea to her dad. Whose immediate reaction is "Not as long as my name's Hulk Hogan". Rather than tell her dad his name isn't really Hulk Hogan, she asks him to consider it, to which Hulk reluctantly agrees.

Hogan goes to workout and asks his good friend and former Nasty Boy Brian Knobbs for his advice. When my daughter is ready to date, the last person I will ask for advice is someone whose finishing move was rubbing his opponents face into his armpit. In any event, Knobbs suggests that Hulk spy on Brooke and Adam during their date.

Hogan goes to have a GPS installed in Brooke's car, which connects to a website that he can log on to, to find out where the car is at all times. Simply...Genius!

The night before, Hulk and Brooke negotiate what outfit she'll wear and meet Adam to find out the plans for their date. Hulk talks with Adam saying that he doesn't know the actual laws but thinks that Adam dating Brooke is fishy. Adam insists those laws only apply to sex and he won't be having sex with Brooke.

The day of the date, Brooke is getting ready and Adam and Hulk sit down for pretty much the only laugh out loud part of the show. Adam insists that he is a good guy by saying "I didn't lose my virginity until I was 19"

Hulk: "So you are sexually active"

Adam (smiling the whole time, which either proves this is a work, or he's just an asshole): "I've had sex...yes"

Hulk: "Have you had an AIDS test"

Adam: "I have (six second pause), negative!"

Hulk: "So we on the same page"

Adam: "Yes, we're in the same arena...your arena"

During the conversation Adam says the plans are to take his car which he calls "The Blue Beast" but Hulk says they will be taken her car, no matter who drives. At this point all plans should have been cancelled. Fathers, never let your daughter date a man who names his car. Just bad news.

Nick decides to get his face on the show by telling his mom and dad, that Adam has his nipples pierced. Hulk quickly replies "What about his scrotum, is that pierced too?". He also tells them that Adam took him to a topless beach and a gay beach, which again would have sent a truly overprotective father out to get them and end the date right there.

At Busch Gardens, things seem innocently enough other than Adam bringing up that Rhinos can have sex for two days straight. The GPS is working great and shows Brooke and Adam heading off course, but after Hulk calls, he lets them go out for a quick bite to eat, because they haven't eaten all day.

Brooke and Adam pull up to the house, and Hulk calls Brooke in before Adam can get even a goodnight peck in. Brooke says she would like to go out with Adam again but Nick and Linda both don't think Hulk will let them. Hulk confirms their feelings by saying he could not go through another ordeal like this past day again.

One of my first ever sexual embarrasments, came when my first girlfriend's mother caught her giving me a handjob in her bedroom. To this day I remember crawling up in the fetal position just being thankful it was her mom and not her dad. Now I am grateful her dad wasn't Hulk Hogan, but honestly this show could have used something like that to truly have people watching.

To be honest, Hulk's actions during this show were somewhat lenient for being the father of a 16 year old going out with a 22 year old. VH1 better hope for a meaner Hulk next time around. Although if there's one thing you can count on, it's the Hulkster giving the people, what he knows they want.