Tuesday, July 12, 2005

2005 Red Sox Midseason Evaluations

Extra Sauce: 2005 Boston Red Sox Midseason Player Evaluations
It’s been over nine months since the Boston Red Sox gave me and the rest of New England the moment of a lifetime. The past nine months have seen the Red Sox make sure no one in any bar or card table anywhere ever asks “Who won the World Series in 2004?” during the off-season.

Whether it was Johnny Damon on Lettermen; Mike Timlin, Alan Embree, and Tim Wakefield on Leno; Damon, Wakefield, Jason Varitek, Kevin Millar and backup catcher Doug Mirabelli on ‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’; or the biggest chick flick I’ve ever been duped into seeing- ‘Fever Pitch’; It is safe to say the Red Sox got enough publicity for the 86 World Series Champions before them as well as themselves.

In the meantime, Red Sox fans, I mean Red Sox NATION has become equally forced upon the rest of the country. Ever since the victory parade, Red Sox fans have been that dorky kid who was a virgin all through high school, only to nail the head cheerleader after a three-keg graduation party, that won’t stop talking about it all summer long, and won’t let mention of the girls’ name without an audible sinister giggle.

Now we are at the All-Star break for the 2005 season the Red Sox are 49-38 in first place ahead of the overachieving Baltimore Orioles and the extremely underachieving New York Yankees. That said, it is hard to argue that the Red Sox are anything close to the best team in baseball this year, and believe it or not they are grateful to be playing in the AL East.

So in lieu of the customary Midseason Report Cards that show up in every city newspaper today, I the Loverboy have summoned all significant Red Sox players (stay home Yousilus) into the Parlor for an honest evaluation. So come on in, shut the door, have a seat! First up, how fitting is Johnny Damon.

Johnny Damon: “Great job! You could make a case for team MVP if you didn’t play ahead of the best clutch hitter in all of baseball. Your bunt for basehit yesterday in your last at bat with a 24 game hit streak on the line will have Joe DiMaggio rolling in his grave if get your streak up to 40. You’re a little banged up, you probably shouldn’t play in the All-Star Game, but I know it’s on national TV so you have to be there. Oh and by the way, Kelly Clarkson called, she says you’re overexposed, bring in Edgar”


Edgar Renteria: “Edgar, you only have 47 runs at the break and an on-base percentage under .333. When Theo signed you he looked like a genius, now it may have been more affordable…what?...what you say?...oh you don’t speak much English? OK.
You…not good as…Cabrera…Field ball clean…Get on base…send in Papi”

David Ortiz: “How’s the Mango Salsa? We’ve hired Matt Leinart’s PR firm for your MVP campaign. Just don’t get hurt, please please don’t get hurt?”

Manny Ramirez: “Hope you’re happy we sent Papi in third and you in fourth, you’re the AL RBI Leader, hitting over .350 since May 1, but it seems like whenever you’re up in situations when we’re behind and need runs, you pop up more than an internet porn site. Would feel much better if you came through more late in games.

Mark Bellhorn: “Mark hitting .221 with 102 strikeouts is just not going to cut it on a championship contending team. Either get the bat on the ball or we going to have to call up one of our middle-infield phenoms Hanley Ramirez or Dustin Pedroia. Mark? Mark? Are you awake? Say something?”

Jason Varitek: “El Capitan, can’t say enough about you, best off-season signing by far, needless to say. You have come on strong since Brian Beers didn’t put you on his All-Star Ballot. Don’t take it personally, he hates the Red Sox”

Kevin Millar: “.264, 4 Home Runs, 18 Extra Base Hits, 32 RBI’s and you’re pissed off because you get replaced for DEFENSIVE purposes? I couldn’t agree more, get out of here!”

Bill Mueller: “Hey, you know you won a World Series too last year, right? Besides one NESN commercial, you’re practically hiding in a hole in the ground compared to the rest of this team. .285 ain’t bad for an eighth hitter. Silent but solid, that’s how we like you.”

Trot Nixon: “.861 OPS and you’re even hitting lefties this year. Good reason all my female friends want to bang you.”

Curt Schilling: “Hey Curt? Can you turn away from the Everquest for a second? Curt you don’t have to reply to everyone on Sons of Sam Horn. Curt? Curt? Curt wait to call WEEI what I have to say is important. So far you’ve done more pitching in Pawtucket then Boston. That must’ve sucked I know. So to get you out of that hell hole we’re going to let you continue your rehab in our already shitty bullpen. Sounds like a great idea to me! You are the key to the second half of the season. If you aren’t available this team has no realistic shot at repeating. So be careful, don’t try to be the hero in the 7th of a game against Kansas City and come back as the ace we need you to be. Oh, and if you ever have to buy a beer for yourself in this town, let me know”

Matt Clement: “Nobody else thought you’d pan out, they thought you’d be in the bullpen, but you had the best first half of anyone on the staff and are going to your first All-Star Game, good for you. Now keep it up, because we both know you’re psyche can’t handle a second half collapse.”

Bronson Arroyo: “All in all, you’ve had a good first half. You’ve been hit hard at times, but we both know that was after late night bong sessions with your Pearl Jam ripoff band. Try to keep those to a minimum and you’ll be someone to count on down the stretch.”

Tim Wakefield: “I forgot that you can suck every other year, but it turns out statistically you’re having a better year than it looks. Good thing there isn’t a stat for “Shit Starts” as there is for “Quality Starts”. You’d be a league leader.”

David Wells: ”I was never that crazy when the Red Sox signed you, I believe you are entering the twilight of your career and your best days are well behind you. But I just know that sometime in October, probably against the Yankees, we’re going to need you, and believe it or not, I’ll be pretty confident you’ll come through when that time comes. Just stop hanging out with Tom Arnold.”

Wade Miller: “Son, I’m sorry you were a great pitcher in Houston, but that ridiculous delivery of yours has caught up with you and you are the leading candidate for ‘last guy left off the post-season roster’. Whether you can get your stuff back is in doubt for the second half. Good Luck.”

Mike Timlin: “Stop complaining about not making the All Star Team. If your lord and savior Jesus Christ wanted you on the All Star Team, he would have put you on the All Star Team.”

Alan Embree: “You are our Queen of Spades. I can not wait for the day your ass gets shipped somewhere. You are a lefty who can not get lefties out, what is your point, last but not least, send in Foulke!”

Keith Foulke: “Johnny from Burger King, ha! That’s good, very funny. A collective guffaw from everyone working in food service. Fact is if Johnny from Burger King made Whoppers like you’ve closed games this year, he’d be Johnny from Shaw’s by now. Best of luck with the knee surgery. Make sure they wipe the scrape real good, because we all know you’ll be in a Sports Psychologists office for a month because a blowjob from Jessica Alba wouldn’t give you the confidence you need to close in Boston. Best case scenario, you start on the path to becoming a 4th or 5th starter next year, worse case is you are done in Boston for good.



This and many other questions will be answered in the second half and beyond!

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