The Pizza Parlor: 12/23/2007 - 12/30/2007

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Pizza Parlor Theater: SCZA's Bad Day

To read Pizza Parlor Theater, mouse over the pictures to read each character's dialogue.

(In the offices of Channel 5 in Needham, Mass. Sports Producer SCZA is sitting alone contemplating his plans for his exclusive over the air showing of Saturday’s Patriots-Giants game)

I’m thinking we’ll do three hours of pregame, Totally Patriots, Patriots All-Access, Totally Patriots All-Access Extra and then a special TWO HOURS of Sportscenter OT after the game…Brilliant!

Thanks to the NFL’s feeble-minded niche programming strategy, all of the Boston media market and Patriots Nation is under my control! Woohahahahaha!

(Door Knocks)

Come in! Who enters the supreme SCZA’s lair?

It is I Roger Goodell, Lord of Football!

Rog! What’s up?! Hey! I was just thinking about what a great idea NFL Network is and…

Silence!

I hear mumblings that you and your station are planning to use your visibility Saturday to fill New England with Bill Belichick-Tom Brady ass-kissing bullshit. Is this true?

Umm…no…Uhh…

You will not get away with this. I forbid it!

Quite frankly, I don’t see what you can do to stop it. Patriots Nation demands to see the Patriots go 16-0 and only I can bring that to them.

Don’t doubt me Scoot, I am Commissioner of the NFL, the most powerful man in the sport America cares about most, which means I can do whatever I want and America will let it happen.

Don’t underestimate me, for I too have many powerful friends and once they know I am being threatened, they will come to my aid.

I’m anxious to meet them.

It’s TIME to get CRUNK up in this BITCH!!

Adam? Again? Really?

Sorry Mr. Goodell, umm do you need any landscaping done on your house sir?

Get out of my sight…

Yes sir

And pull your pants up!

Thanks for coming. Keep makin' it rain

Is that the BEST you can do?

Hardly

You’re Fired!

Ummm. Mr. McMahon, nobody in this room works for you

You can all Kiss my Ass!

Umm no you and your fake sport can Kiss my Ass

If you dare try to bully my friend Scott around I’ll turn around and start a whole other…

What? I didn’t hear you…you’ll start a whole other what?

Nothing, gotta go, have a nice day

(Phone Rings)

Who is that?

Possibly the one who will bring you to your knees. Hello?

Scott?

Yes, dear

Did you remember to record Project Runway?

I did.

Also don’t forget to feed the cats once you get home

Yes, dear

Also can you watch Fox tonight and make sure my story made the A block?

Yes, dear

K love you

Love you too. Bye.

Awwww, now who else could you possibly have coming here to stop me.

I heard something about a threat to Patriots world domination?

Bill?

Oh, sorry Mr. Goodell

Bill, put that back in the tape room please.

Yes Mr. Goodell sir.

Coach?

It is what it is, 16 one game seasons…

Let’s get one thing straight, I can’t control what you put on your airwaves before the game Saturday but what I CAN do is dilute your audience by putting the game on CBS, NBC, The Weather Channel, Lifetime, any station I want to deal with except for those sketchy bastards at Fox.

WHO YOU ARE WORRRRKING FOR?!

Jack, are you drunk again?

DAMNIT!

How dare you challenge the greatest Commissioner in football today!

Someone call for the Innovator of the Keeper Cap?

Hey, Derek, make the playoffs in your own league and then you can get involved okay?

Okay, bye bye

I’m not finished, I have two cats that could make your life a living hell.

Correction… A Chinese restaurant in Norwood now has two cats that could make my life a living hell.

How dare you…

If you ever want to see them again you’ll come around to my line of thinking.

Fine, just tell me. Who sent you? Who sold me out to you??

Traitors are forever at the mercy of my Mangenius!

Oooh, Mr. Goodell, you are SO powerful!

You have no idea honey, come on let's get out of here!

The End.

Labels: Pizza Parlor Theater