"Toppings": American Strip Club Top 20

This weekend we celebrate Paul Amin's last days of bachelorhood with a pilgrimmage to Foxwoods. During the course of the weekend we will venture off to Rhode Island for the reason why Rhode Island was invented. So that natives of Massachusetts and Connecticut can see fully nude women! Every trip to a strip club has certain expectations. Silicone, "Cokenail", and cheesy music are just some.

This week's "Toppings" are a list of 20 strip club songs, I expect to hear at Club Paradise this weekend, and in my opinion are the 20 Best Strip Club Songs of all time.

20. "Don't Cha"- Pussycat Dolls: This is almost a guarantee for this weekend and speaks to many taken men who visit strip clubs where the strippers may as well ask "Don't Cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me"

19. "Pond de Replay"- Rhianna: Why wouldn't I hear this at a strip club? I hear it everywhere else.

18. "Dip it Low"- Christina Milan: No one knows exactly what dipping it low is, but we assume it has something to do with sex. If the stripper spins in chocolate like Christina does in this video, I'll tip the $5.

17. "Up All Night"- Slaughter: Get ready, there's a few of these. "Up All Night, Sleep All Day" speaks to many a stripper's lifestyle.

16. "Gerardo"- Rico Suave: "My favorite addiction has to do with the female species, I eat them raw like sushi". I could never DJ at a strip club I would put this on repeat all day and annoy patrons and dancers alike.

15. Shake your Ass girl, because I'm Taking you to the Candy Shop, In a Little Bit,- 50 Cent: That same song 50 produced 3 times for radio stations because they won't play the rest of the songs on 'The Massacre' because they're about shooting niggas.

14. "Talk Dirty to Me"-Poison: Wouldn't be a list without Poison.

13. "Naughty Naughty"-Danger Danger: Yes Yes.

12. "Magic Stick"- Lil Kim and 50 Cent: You think these two may have had sex during the recording of this song? Maybe?

11. "Thong Song"- Sisqo: Again odds are 10:1 we WON'T hear this
song.

...We take a moment for a long distance dedication. Desire from Providence writes: Dear American Strip Club Top 20,
My name is Desire and I worked at Club Paradise for five years. About two years ago I met Dominic, a hairy chested Italian American in his mid 40's. He asked me for a private lap dance, and when he told me he was Rhode Island's biggest cocaine dealer I was more than willing to oblige. Not only did I not charge him for a lap dance, one lap dance turned into two, turned into seven. I let him touch my wet cooch, which is against club policies, and gave him a happy ending that undoubtedly left him satisfied. In return he gave me what appeared to be 10 grams of coke for me to share with the dancers at the club. Only when we got home, we got no high and found it to be baking soda.
I was hurt that someone like Dominic would do that to me. Would you please play Alanis Morrisettes' "You Oughta Know" and tell Dominic "Fuck You".

Desire, No! Now back to the countdown...


10. "I Want Action"- Poison: To quote one of those obscure writer/comedians when this song came up on 40 Most Awesomely Bad Dirrty Songs Ever, "Well good for you, who doesn't".

9. "Seventeen"-Winger: In the event we get a really young stripper and want to think she could even possible be under 18, even though thats illegal everywhere.

8. "Coming of Age"- Damn Yankees: "Little sister, hits the stage, don't you know it, She's COMING OF AGE, Little junior, he's all in a rage, he can't help it, She's COMING OF AGE" This song is ABOUT STRIPPING. Very underappreciated stripping song.

7. "How Many Licks"- Lil' Kim and Sisqo: The only song on the list with a fake orgasm in it. The closest mainstream radio ever got to porn.

6. "DiVinyls"- I Touch Myself: Will always have an affinity for this song as it came out just when I was first starting to touch myself.

5. "Dr. Feelgood"-Motley Crue: I get goosebumps everytime some whore comes out to this song.

4. "Dirrty"-Christina Aguilera: I'm sure someday Christina Aguilera will claim she didn't want to do this slutty phase of her career but her record company forced her to. Whatever the reason it gave the crazy stripper that jumps onto the pole and does the jump split on the stage something to dance to.

3. "Cherry Pie"- Warrant: Could make a case for No. 1 but this mainly ballad band gets much more mileage out of this song than "Wait". There is better stripping in this video than in most strip clubs today.

2. "I'm a Slave 4 U"- Britney Spears: This may outrage some people, but the fact is strip clubs are trying to get away from 80's hair metal and this anthem of Lolita-Submission is what the strip club experience is becoming for us. It is almost definite to be played when we arrive in Rhode Island, whether you like it or not.

1. "Girls, Girls, Girls"- Motley Crue: The song that started it all. A song dedicated to strippers, for strippers to dance to. You can debate the rest of the list but Number One is a no-brainer.

"Extra Sauce": Doctor Sauce's Prescription for the Tour de France

On Sunday Lance Armstrong will win his 7th consecutive Tour de France. Considering Armstrong was stricken with life-threatening canccer, it may be the greatest accomplishment in sports history. It will be the greatest accomplishment to go underappreciated by most of his countrymen.

The problem isn't Lance, he's charimatic and plenty visable in the United States. It's the event he wins; the Tour de France, and the sport he chooses; cycling. There is some kid wearing a LiveSTRONG bracelet right now, probably in hopes that it will help him get laid, that couldn't name one other competitor on the tour. In fact the author of this blog can not name one other competitor on the tour.

The Tour de France stages take place hours before I even wake up. It is broadcasted on something called the "Outdoor Life Channel". While the final stage will be carried on CBS, most Americans will not catch the action live.

So to help fix the Tour de France. "Doctor Sauce" who will appear from time to time to help solve some of sports current ills (just wait til the College Football Preview), will undertake the Tour de France.

1. Rename it the Tour de Freedom- Your welcome, Eric.

2. Get rid of Time Trials and Teams and just start everyone off as they finished the stage before. How does Armstrong finish 33rd in a stage and still lead the event. Baffles me. If you are leading by 2:30 you get a 2:30 headstart the next day. That way you can always tell who the leader is. And why does Armstrong have to ride with his team to do well. I just don't get it.

3. Move it out of France to the United States- Why should this guy on the right get the privledge of booing Armstrong as he crosses the finish line and makes American history just because we went after the people that flew planes into our buildings and the dictator most likely to aid in the effort to try it again. And honestly, the American media coverage would be right for such an event if it were held in the United States. How would you hold the Tour de Freedom in the United States? Simple, well not really simple but that's why Doctor Sauce is a Doctor.

The course starts in Los Angeles, where celebrities and starfuckers alike can cheer on the mass start. Cyclist ride along blocked off parts of I-10, I-15, and I-40 till they get to the Mojave Desert and the Arizona border. End of Stage 1.

The course goes on through Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, Oklahoma, and Missouri. While the terrain is flat, you don't hit a blue state until the second week of the tour. Big disadvantage to the foreigners.

After going through St. Louis, the course hits the midwest. Jay Marrioti and Michael Wilbon can whine about the course not going through Chicago. Once the course goes through Columbus, Ohio. I'm sure Ohio State boosters will be recruiting the Serbian cyclists, regardless of if they can read English or not.

The only sprint on the course will be through a teeny-tiny part of West Virginia through 25 Diesel gas stations. That way all the cyclists can say they have been to West Virginia.

The most grueling stages are through Pennsylvania's I-80. Remember only 65 miles to DuBois, wherever that is. Pennsylvania will stop at State College for the cyclists to get some Waffle House and easy Penn State ass.

The stretch run would go through New Jersey over the George Washington Bridge (I'm sure there will be no problem closing that on a Sunday) and end in Times Square where the Tour de Freedom winner will be showered with congratulations and an adoring public from all over the world.

Makes sense to me, just don't ask me to do it!

"Extra Cheese": Entourage Fills Sunday Night HBO Void Nicely

If your like me (single, mid-20's and working a later than 9 to later than 5) your weekend follows a routine.

Thursday night is social night, where you cling to your inner college student by checking out young coeds in sluttier clothing than when you were in college and hate the fact you were born four years too soon...Friday night is recovery night. When your hangover tells you you aren't in college anymore and forces you for hopefully a drink or two at the corner bar just so you aren't called a pussy by your friends...
Saturday night is more like Thursday except with no expectations because anything is possible, including nothing...

Come Sunday, you spend some time at church, synagogue, or at home with the family, just so there is a glimpse of hope you won't go to hell when you die or take guilttrips from your parents until that day. When Sunday night comes the reality can be harsh that the weekend is over and a full work week lies ahead.

Thank God for HBO. HBO put all of its quality television series (Sex and the City, The Sopranos, Oz, Six Feet Under, Deadwood, The Wire) and some of its not-so-much quality series (Arli$$, Mind of the Married Man, Carnivale) on Sunday nights to give fans something to look forward to on Sunday nights besides the work week.

During its peak time HBO became ritual television. You would actually wake up Sunday and think about nothing but what was going to happen on your favorite HBO series Sunday night.

Lately, however, HBO has become missable television. Carnivale was too weird and was cancelled quickly. Carrie stopped annoying everyone with a penis last year. Oz ended two years ago after shanking most of the entire cast and anthraxing the rest. Six Feet Under is too dark for most anyone I know. The Wire, while the best show on television, and I will die on that sword, may be too "ghetto" to gain mainstream popularity. I don't fucking watch fucking Deadwood as the fucking dialogue is too fucking confusion to fucking decipher between all the fucking gratuitous fucking cursing. And we can expect the next season of The Sopranos in 2018, when AJ orders a hit on the doctor who misdiagnosed him during his prostate exam.

Luckily for our demographic. HBO debuted Entourage last summer. Judging from the casting, HBO had little hope for success for this show but it has become HBO's biggest surprise hit since The Sopranos. While lack of anything else to watch during the summer may be a major reason, the show has some redeeming qualities.

The show is produced by Mark Wahlberg. The main character Vincent Chase, is the name of a role actor in one of Wahlberg's first films "The Traveller". The storyline is very removed from Wahlberg's career (Chase never rapped, and won't be doing a movie with a prosthetic penis anytime in the next season) but the premise for the show is sparked by Wahlberg's real life friends and agent.

Vincent Chase is a B+ list actor from New York. Good looking, decent actor who fits into the mold of many cliche Hollywood roles. His two best friends and half brother move to Los Angeles and support and live with Chase instead of getting regular steady jobs. Chase is played by Adrian Grenier, whose only other starring role was opposite Melissa Joan-Hart in "Drive Me Crazy". What he had to do to get this role, we may not want to know.

His best friend Eric, played by Kevin Connolly (the brother in the Married With Children ripoff "Unhappily Ever After". He took forth billing to a Bobcat Goldthwait voiced dog-puppet and Nikki Cox's breasts) is his de-facto Manager. Eric is a stubborn manager who is very picky when selecting roles, much to the dismay of Vince's agent Ari Gold played masterfully by Jeremy Piven (more on him later).

Jerry Ferrara plays the obnoxious, portly freeloader Turtle and Kevin Dillon (ironically Matt Dillon's brother) plays the underachieving bit actor older brother Johnny Drama.

Last season, Eric convinced Vincent to make him his official manager and they both decided Vince should do an independent move "Queens Boulevard" over a more lucrative but poorly scripted "Matterhorn" pitched as "Die-Hard in Disneyland" by Chase's agent and proponent of the project.

This season, Gold struggles to find Chase work as his visibility has dropped considerably due to the "Queens Boulevard" project. His one hope is the comic book adaptation "Aquaman" which while having the possibility of making Chase an A-list star, does not excite him as a legitimate acting role. As Chase likes the project more the waters are muddied as to whether or not the role is his to take.

I could go in more detail, but unfortunately this show is unlike many HBO shows as it is pretty hard to care about the storylines of the show. 90% of Entourage fans could give a shit whether Vincent Chase gets the Aquaman role or not and chances are you don't either. Entourage depends on three things to carry its Sunday half hour.

1)Ari- Jeremy Piven was the only accomplished actor signed to the series. Therefore he is given all the best lines in the show and executes them brilliantly. He doesn't try to be Jerry Maguire, and thank God he doesn't try to be Arliss Michaels. He portrays the slimey Hollywood agent perfectly and the best of the writing on this show is his.

2)Cameo Appearances- More this season than last but some of this season's most memorable performances have been given by the show's cameo actors. Whether it was Ralph Macchio's "yes I am alive" visit to the Playboy Mansion, or Bob Saget as a frequent brothel john, or this past Sunday's James Cameron "I just wanted to make little girls cry" line. It's good to see celebrities depricate themselves or try to portray a different image of themselves then we are accustomed to.

3)Hollywood Life- The best thing Entourage does is depict Hollywood's "starfucker" culture. While Chase is accurately written as someone who can sleep with anyone he wants, gets showered with freebies and asskissing and go to every party he wants, his friends pickup the leftovers. And the leftovers are pretty good. The highlight for this season for me was Eric being set up by Chase with a Perfect 10 model who exclaimed her love of one night stands with the line of the year "I never met a guy who didn't want to fuck me the next morning!" that turned me on so much I actually Googled her to find out she is Australian Pop Star Holly Valance (pictured below).
The genius of the show is for all the shit Vincent, E, Turtle, and Drama get just because of who they are, it is hard not to like them because they let us into a world we wouldn't know without them.

Not a bad group of guys to spend your Sunday nights with.

Restaurant Critic

Every good pizza parlor needs to be reviewed by a demanding critic.
From time to time I will review Derek's posts and correct, clarify and codify them.

The Annotated Pizza Parlor

Restaurant Critic: The Annotated Pizza Parlor

The set-up: The name of this blog.
The quip: The Pizza Parlor.
The read: Derek loves pizza. He also loves “The Sopranos.” When Christopher finally got made he was full of himself and he didn’t want any activity in the local pizza parlor that would bring it in disrepute. He urged others “don’t disrespect the pizza parlor.”

The set-up: Derek’s name for himself.
The quip: Loverboy.
The read: “Loverboy” is a classic 1980s movie in which Patrick Dempsey is a pizza delivery boy who earns extra money by having sex with the women who order pizza with extra anchovies. Hilarity ensues.

The set-up: the name of this column.
The quip: The Annotated Pizza Parlor.
The read: A rip-off of “The Annotated Alice,” a collection of explanations of references in Lewis Carroll’s “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland” and “Through the Looking Glass.” The idea was stolen for a column called “The Annotated Dennis Miller” chronicling the comic’s obscure references on “Monday Night Football.”

The set-up: Saturday’s column, the republishing of an archived column will be called “Cold Pizza.”
The quip: And the best part about this "Cold Pizza": No Skip Bayless!:
The read: “Cold Pizza” is a ESPN2’s morning show. Skip Bayless is one of the horrible co-hosts of the show. He is just there to argue with Woody Paige. Bayless is a very animated speaker but all his hand movements seem wooden.

The set-up: Derek republishes the wedding blogs from Josh Hughes’ and Scott Isaacs’ weddings.
The quip: Hopefully these will keep you occupied until the "Paul Amin Wedding Blog" due out Monday, September 5.
The read: Paul Amin is getting married Sunday September 4th.

The set-up: AFI puts out list of 100 Greatest Movie Lines.
The quip: Disappointed "Stop Looking at me Swan!" did not make the list.:
The read: A line from “Billy Madison.” Derek once yelled this at a real swan. Beers threw a pebble at the swan, slipped and fell in the mud. Kristen was furious.

The set-up: Mr. Blackwell’s worst dressed celebrities list.
The quip: You think Mr. Blackwell may be gay?:
The read: Mr. Blackwell is in fact, openly gay. He has been with his partner Robert Specner for 40 years. Blackwell’s real name is Richard Seltzer and his autobiography is “From Rags to Bitches.”

The set-up: Derek discusses College Football's new Harris Interactive Collegefootball Poll (HICP)
The quip: I look forward to calling this "The Hiccup" all season long.
The read: Derek hates the BCS.

The set-up: A horse made ESPN’s list of 100 greatest athletes from the 1900s but his favorite quarterback didn’t.
The quip: Substitute Secretariat with John Elway and the list is perfect!
The read: John Elway has a horseface.

The set-up: Derek thinks the list of Most Awesomely Bad Dirrty Songs is very funny.
The quip: Don't get anything to drink if you see this on a Saturday Afternoon, you'll be drinking most of it through your nose.
The read: Snarfing is the common term for laughing so hard while drinking, that the drink is expelled through your nose. This has something to do with airflow, and the connectivity between your nose and throat.

The set-up: Red Sox Injured pitcher Curt Schilling has barely pitched for the Red Sox this season.
The quip: “Hey Curt? Can you turn away from the Everquest for a second? Curt you don’t have to reply to everyone on Sons of Sam Horn. Curt? Curt? Curt wait to call WEEI what I have to say is important.
The read: Schilling has been known to spend hours playing Everquest, an online role-playing game. He also is a frequent poster to message boards on the Red Sox fan site, SonsofSamHorn.com. He is a frequent called to Boston’s all-sports talk-radio station WEEI, usually defend himself, the manager or the team.

The set-up: Red Sox relief pitcher Mike Timlin is upset about not being named to the All-Star team.
The quip: “Stop complaining about not making the All Star Team. If your lord and savior Jesus Christ wanted you on the All Star Team, he would have put you on the All Star Team.”
The read: Mike Timlin loves Jesus.

The set-up: Struggling Red Sox closer Keith Foulke gets booed.
The quip: “Johnny from Burger King, ha! That’s good, very funny. A collective guffaw from everyone working in food service.”
The read: Foulke was asked about the recent boos he’s heard. Foulke said he feels badly about letting down his teammates, but he’s not concerned about the reaction of fans, especially those who work in food service like Derek.

The set-up: Softball will not be on the Olympic schedule in 2012.
The quip: When you go after Olympic Softball, then I'm outraged.
The read: Derek loves softball, and was the first to jump on the Jennie Finch bandwagon, which he still drives.

The set-up: Hulk Hogan’s daughter is trying to launch her musical career.
The quip: Brooke, a 16-year-old fledgling pop singer whose album "Three Years Too Late" will be in stores sometime this year with the first single "Stop Calling Me Christina" hitting radio stations, well, never.
The read: Brooke would have been more successful had she come along in 2002 before the end of the age of the young blond female pop singer. She does not want to invite comparisons to Christina Aguilera despite similarities in physical appearance, dress and music style.