Tuesday, July 19, 2005

"Extra Sauce": Doctor Sauce's Prescription for the Tour de France

On Sunday Lance Armstrong will win his 7th consecutive Tour de France. Considering Armstrong was stricken with life-threatening canccer, it may be the greatest accomplishment in sports history. It will be the greatest accomplishment to go underappreciated by most of his countrymen.

The problem isn't Lance, he's charimatic and plenty visable in the United States. It's the event he wins; the Tour de France, and the sport he chooses; cycling. There is some kid wearing a LiveSTRONG bracelet right now, probably in hopes that it will help him get laid, that couldn't name one other competitor on the tour. In fact the author of this blog can not name one other competitor on the tour.

The Tour de France stages take place hours before I even wake up. It is broadcasted on something called the "Outdoor Life Channel". While the final stage will be carried on CBS, most Americans will not catch the action live.

So to help fix the Tour de France. "Doctor Sauce" who will appear from time to time to help solve some of sports current ills (just wait til the College Football Preview), will undertake the Tour de France.

1. Rename it the Tour de Freedom- Your welcome, Eric.

2. Get rid of Time Trials and Teams and just start everyone off as they finished the stage before. How does Armstrong finish 33rd in a stage and still lead the event. Baffles me. If you are leading by 2:30 you get a 2:30 headstart the next day. That way you can always tell who the leader is. And why does Armstrong have to ride with his team to do well. I just don't get it.

3. Move it out of France to the United States- Why should this guy on the right get the privledge of booing Armstrong as he crosses the finish line and makes American history just because we went after the people that flew planes into our buildings and the dictator most likely to aid in the effort to try it again. And honestly, the American media coverage would be right for such an event if it were held in the United States. How would you hold the Tour de Freedom in the United States? Simple, well not really simple but that's why Doctor Sauce is a Doctor.

The course starts in Los Angeles, where celebrities and starfuckers alike can cheer on the mass start. Cyclist ride along blocked off parts of I-10, I-15, and I-40 till they get to the Mojave Desert and the Arizona border. End of Stage 1.

The course goes on through Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, Oklahoma, and Missouri. While the terrain is flat, you don't hit a blue state until the second week of the tour. Big disadvantage to the foreigners.

After going through St. Louis, the course hits the midwest. Jay Marrioti and Michael Wilbon can whine about the course not going through Chicago. Once the course goes through Columbus, Ohio. I'm sure Ohio State boosters will be recruiting the Serbian cyclists, regardless of if they can read English or not.

The only sprint on the course will be through a teeny-tiny part of West Virginia through 25 Diesel gas stations. That way all the cyclists can say they have been to West Virginia.

The most grueling stages are through Pennsylvania's I-80. Remember only 65 miles to DuBois, wherever that is. Pennsylvania will stop at State College for the cyclists to get some Waffle House and easy Penn State ass.

The stretch run would go through New Jersey over the George Washington Bridge (I'm sure there will be no problem closing that on a Sunday) and end in Times Square where the Tour de Freedom winner will be showered with congratulations and an adoring public from all over the world.

Makes sense to me, just don't ask me to do it!



At 12:49 AM , Anonymous The MADNESS said...

The Waffle House in Elkton, MD (about 5 minutes from the UDel campus) claims to be the northern most Waffle House. Are you sure there's one in State College?

Also, the current Tour de France is not the 3000+ miles it would take to cross the continental U.S. That's just insane. Wait a minute... it's EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEME.

At 10:45 AM , Blogger Mike said...

That is a very good idea but I think most of the cyclists will be dead half way through Nevada. Have you watched the weather channel lately?

At 1:24 PM , Blogger Brian said...

Wild Bill's Walk From AZ to IL

If Wild Bill can do this trek walking, then the best cyclists in the world can do it a little longer...

At 8:13 AM , Blogger Paul said...

I think Derek's Tour De Freedom is a great idea. I do disagree with the 3,000 mile course. I also don't think people in America would come out to stand on the side of the road to watch people ride by on bikes. But I do plan to demystify some aspects of the Tour in the next edition of The Annotated Pizza Parlor.


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