"The Works" 7/15/05

If you order a salad with no onions and the waitress brings out a salad with two big red onions on top. Don't send it back. Just take the god damn onions off...

What the hell does "Pond de Replay" mean???

Next time you're at your local deli look to the left and buy yourself some "San Pedro" Restaurant Style Salsa. You'll thank me later...

If MTV would just play the new Jessica Simpson video right after the new Shakira video around say 11:30 at night, it would save me a lot of sleep and money...

Jason Bay made it too easy to crack Canada jokes Monday at the Home Run Derby. Forgot to take the cream eh? Try hitting the ball with a hockey stick you hoser! It's aboot bat speed!

Seeing Alex Rodriguez waving the Dominican flag made me want to throw up? Hey A-Rod, name the capital of the Dominican Republic. Alex? Need an answer. No, you can't phone a friend. No, you can't Google it...

By the way, my favorite All-Star Moment: Jennie Finch pitching to Amanda Beard during the celebrity softball game...

Go read Jessica Biel's IMDB.com page. Her agent is stealing money from her...


If you find yourself masturbating to the sex scene in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, in the words of Johnny Drama, "Turn your dick in!"

And did the maker of that game make his game just to get a plug from Bill O'Reilly's Talking Points once a month?

Where do I place my bet on "Paul and his brother will stop talking to each other for three hours next weekend after a fight over who the should be the next Knicks head coach"? How close is Beers' cubicle to Jim Cramer's? Where is Greco? In a Fantasy Football Bunker in New Mexico? It scares me when I don't hear from Fantasy Sports opponents, speaking of which...

I saw Broncos RB Tatum Bell on the cover of a fantasy football magazine this week. Made me want to hang myself with my Broncos flag. How did they get a photographer to shoot him during his kickoff coverage plays? Has there ever been more magazine hype for a player who played a majority of his plays last year on special teams?

Let the bass from the speakers, run through your sneakers.

Loverboy...out!