"Extra Cheese": Hogan Knows Best

Hulk Hogan is the '84 IROC in the garage that got you laid in the '80's, annoyed everyone you knew in the '90's, and have recently installed a new engine for a comeback run at the 20th Year High School Reunion. Outside of Bruce Springsteen, I can't think of a celebrity with more miles that is still as popular today as he was at the height of his career. While Hogan can barely move in a wrestling ring today, he still receives pop in WWE arenas, similar to the one he received when beating the Iron Shiek in 1984.

Also, in the meantime VH1 has mastered attention grabbing programming. Whether it is "I Love the 80's", "40 Most Awesomely Bad Dirrty Songs" or "The Surreal Life", chances are if you can't find anything on on the 699 other channels on television, flipping through VH1 more than not, will leave you satisfied. So when I heard Hogan produced a television show involving his entire family called "Hogan Knows Best", it was a no-brainer what I would be watching last night.

Here's the story, Hulk Hogan and his wife Linda live in a house in Tampa with their two kids: Brooke, a 16-year-old fledgling pop singer whose album "Three Years Too Late" will be in stores sometime this year with the first single "Stop Calling Me Christina" hitting radio stations, well, never. Dad Terry ("Hulk") is hell-bent on making Brooke a pop success despite the uphill battle. And Nick, the other kid.

As for Brooke, yeah I'd hit it, if I was 10 years younger, of course. It's too bad we've already has Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Jessica Simpson or she would have done really well. Now she's counting on her dad's name and this VH1 Series to launch her career. The odds are against her.

As mentioned Hulk Hogan has rejuvenated his career as many times as Madonna. His washed up run in WWE right now is a moderate success, and he is by far the most over wrestler in the company right now, needless to say. VH1 is counting on his wrestling exposure and him being to overprotective dads, what Bridgette Nielsen was to whinos, and Flavor Flav was to recovering crackheads, to make this show a ratings success.

According to insider sources, "Hogan Knows Best" is rumored to be a complete work, although at this point, I'm not sure that most reality television shows aren't works either. Therefore I am keeping an open mind with my Tostitos and San Pedro Salsa as the show comes on after a hilarious "Surreal Life" which may be the topic of next week's "Extra Cheese".

The show starts off with Brooke talking about how overprotected she is, she is not allowed to go out at all, and has never been on a date at the age of 16. While she is online, she gets a call from a boy named Adam, asking her to go to Busch Gardens. Brooke is thrilled, but tells Adam, she has to ask her parents first.

Adam is a 22 year old college student from a college unnamed. He is a friend of Nick, apparently they fix up cars together. He drives a Blue Camaro and other than hanging out with a 14 year old and wanting to date a 16 year old, is a normal college kid.

Brooke, after discussing with her mom pitches the idea to her dad. Whose immediate reaction is "Not as long as my name's Hulk Hogan". Rather than tell her dad his name isn't really Hulk Hogan, she asks him to consider it, to which Hulk reluctantly agrees.

Hogan goes to workout and asks his good friend and former Nasty Boy Brian Knobbs for his advice. When my daughter is ready to date, the last person I will ask for advice is someone whose finishing move was rubbing his opponents face into his armpit. In any event, Knobbs suggests that Hulk spy on Brooke and Adam during their date.

Hogan goes to have a GPS installed in Brooke's car, which connects to a website that he can log on to, to find out where the car is at all times. Simply...Genius!

The night before, Hulk and Brooke negotiate what outfit she'll wear and meet Adam to find out the plans for their date. Hulk talks with Adam saying that he doesn't know the actual laws but thinks that Adam dating Brooke is fishy. Adam insists those laws only apply to sex and he won't be having sex with Brooke.

The day of the date, Brooke is getting ready and Adam and Hulk sit down for pretty much the only laugh out loud part of the show. Adam insists that he is a good guy by saying "I didn't lose my virginity until I was 19"

Hulk: "So you are sexually active"

Adam (smiling the whole time, which either proves this is a work, or he's just an asshole): "I've had sex...yes"

Hulk: "Have you had an AIDS test"

Adam: "I have (six second pause), negative!"

Hulk: "So we on the same page"

Adam: "Yes, we're in the same arena...your arena"

During the conversation Adam says the plans are to take his car which he calls "The Blue Beast" but Hulk says they will be taken her car, no matter who drives. At this point all plans should have been cancelled. Fathers, never let your daughter date a man who names his car. Just bad news.

Nick decides to get his face on the show by telling his mom and dad, that Adam has his nipples pierced. Hulk quickly replies "What about his scrotum, is that pierced too?". He also tells them that Adam took him to a topless beach and a gay beach, which again would have sent a truly overprotective father out to get them and end the date right there.

At Busch Gardens, things seem innocently enough other than Adam bringing up that Rhinos can have sex for two days straight. The GPS is working great and shows Brooke and Adam heading off course, but after Hulk calls, he lets them go out for a quick bite to eat, because they haven't eaten all day.

Brooke and Adam pull up to the house, and Hulk calls Brooke in before Adam can get even a goodnight peck in. Brooke says she would like to go out with Adam again but Nick and Linda both don't think Hulk will let them. Hulk confirms their feelings by saying he could not go through another ordeal like this past day again.

One of my first ever sexual embarrasments, came when my first girlfriend's mother caught her giving me a handjob in her bedroom. To this day I remember crawling up in the fetal position just being thankful it was her mom and not her dad. Now I am grateful her dad wasn't Hulk Hogan, but honestly this show could have used something like that to truly have people watching.

To be honest, Hulk's actions during this show were somewhat lenient for being the father of a 16 year old going out with a 22 year old. VH1 better hope for a meaner Hulk next time around. Although if there's one thing you can count on, it's the Hulkster giving the people, what he knows they want.