Why I Hate the Yankees

Well, the backup catcher hit a game-winning-ground-rule-double to put the Yankees 8 1/2 games ahead of the Red Sox after being down 4-3 with an 0-2 count and 2 outs, so of course I can't sleep. But why can't I sleep? Would I not be able to sleep if the Red Sox lost to the White Sox and the Yankees beat the Tigers in extra innings? The Yankees still would have gained a full game, still be 8 and a half ahead. The Red Sox are still the favorite to win the Wild Card and should be able to return to the ALCS against the Yankees, so why can't I sleep? Because I hate them so much.

The Yankees? Well not the Yankees themselves. Truth is, if you put Jason Giambi and Derek Jeter in B hats they would be the most popular Red Sox in franchise history. Play "Enter Sandman" at Fenway Park for Mariano Rivera and I'd be jacked as hell.

George Steinbrenner? Well everyone hates him. But he's in his seventies and the truth is, again, if he owned the Red Sox and was pulling free agents and money trades on the Yankees, I'd love George too.

New York? Well, that may be part of it, but you can't hate New York by itself. The Statue of Liberty is there. They suffered through 9/11 more than anyone. It's hard to include New York in your hatred for the Yankees, but it's part of the problem and to overlook that would be foolish.

It's quite obvious that when Red Sox fans chant "Yankees Suck", they don't mean the Yankees actually suck. The Brewers Suck, the Rockies Suck, the Royals Suck, the Devil Rays used to Suck. The Yankees could win 120 games this year, it's hard to argue that the team sucks. But the truth is not as conducive to mass-chanting and marketing as the often used phrase.

It is indeed, Yankee Fans, who we hate. It is Yankee Fans who "Suck". I am up tonight because the last thing I saw before I turned off my TV was a couple thousand Yankee fans jumping up and down like the cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy after a makeover, the 50th makeover in the show's history. Some crying like a girlfriend during her 500th viewing of "Beaches". Embracing each other like they were long lost relatives. The one overarching theme to all of these similies is that each and every one of you has been there before, you knew what was going to happen. Yet you act like you've never seen it before just because you know that we unfortunately have seen the same stomach punching scene THOUSANDS of times.

It's disgusting the superior complex some of you people have, it even extends beyond the superiority of your franchise to ours.v So to put into detail here are just some of the things I hate about Yankee fans.

We hate how you bang the drum of the history that the Yankees have had over the Red Sox yet ignore the history the Celtics have had over the Knicks or the dominance of New England Clam Chowder over Manhattan Clam Chowder (it hasn't even been close).

We hate how five of you will walk Faneuil Hall in Yankees caps each thinking that YOU are the "asshole" that's pissing everyone else off.

We hate how you call your city "The City" as if our city and all other cities are just a suburb of your city.

We hate your bridge tolls.

We hate how your highway signs list New England at the bottom of all destinations, as if more people are headed to New Rochelle on I-95 North than an entire region.

We hate how none of your even cared about baseball between 1983 and 1994, except for in 1986 when you became Mets fans.

We hate how you bitch about waiting "on-line".

We hate how you say "on-line". There ain't no computer in front of you!

We hate your Jim Kaat and your Tim McCarver and your Mike and your Mad Dog.

We hate every single song, TV show, or movie written about your city. Why didn't Frank call it "Hoboken, Hoboken"?

Most of all, we hate how you have enjoyed coming to expect it all. To expect a franchise with 26 World Championships to beat a team that hasn't won one in 86 years. Although we can't hate how you expect it, we expect it too. It's how you can take so much joy in so much of our pain. See you in October assholes!

Now I can sleep!