A Wedding Ten Years and Eight Hours in the Making (Part 1)

While some of us will end up marrying the first woman we sleep with two nights in a row, some men are lucky enough to have known the woman they will marry for quite some time. Living a good number of years with them and making a marriage a formal celebration of a life already lived together and another life still to come. Unfortunately that life to come will involve only missionary sex maybe once a month and forever obedience to a woman's rules for your everlasting existence. If that is the case then, you know the wedding should be something worth remembering, worth cherishing, worth writing about in a blog such as this one. That said let me set the stage for you...

The Main Characters: My friend Josh, just plain Josh, no nickname (more on this later). He's the unifying force in my group of friends. When uncertainty abounds, Josh will gear us to a conclusion. Not a field general (unless strippers are involved, then he means business), but an easy person to follow when you have no where else to go. One of the most dependable people you know and an all-out good guy. You may never meet a plainer person than Josh, in fact if you meet him for a day and never see him again, you will have forgotten him by the time you get home. That's not necessarily a bad thing, he's not obnoxious enough to be disliked or anything but whenever I mention my friends to outsiders that have met them before I always have to explain Josh a little more than anyone else, but if they did know him there's no doubt they'd love him. He's marrying his looooong time girlfriend Erin B. An outgoing (especially when drinking) West Pennsylvania polish woman who calls the shots when they are together. They started being serious at the end of high school. They survived four years at different colleges, Living together during grad school, and a "Test Girl" that every long-time relationship must pass to know they will truly make it. It's as if these Test Girl's are thrown in by reality-TV producers just to make a couple's lives more entertaining. Obviously, Josh and Erin have passed the "Test Girl" and have invited me to Erie for their wedding.

The Supporting Cast: Jeff Horstman (aka "Horse"), one of two Best Men, cocky and competitive (at games that don't mean anything like "A**hole" or Beer Pong) his newly engaged fiancee, is ultra quiet, thank god or they would both be killed by someone.

John Kathman ("Kathman"), the other Best Man, barely speaks, and only speaks when spoken too. Rolls his own cigarettes. A complete enigma, I know him no better today than before the bachelor party and this wedding. I do know he can get ass whenever he wants. He better be liking life.

Brock Last Name not known ("Brock"), a complete Metrosexual. Openly straight, hits on everyone but in a touch their hair, compliment their nails, with a slight lisp sort of way. It must work to perfection and he is probably laughing at the world, including me. Metrosexuals are today's geniuses and the worst invention of the past three years..

Eric Wohlleber ("EZE"), up til now the most recently married of my friends and the one who if he wrote me tomorrow and announced he was leaving his wife and coming out of the closet, I wouldn't be surprised one bit. Everyone makes gay jokes but this kid LOVES gay jokes. Almost too much. Maybe too much.

Paul Amin, ("Amin") the next friend of mine to get married. Happy-go-lucky, know-it-all, wanna be African-American-Jew. Loves rap music and the NBA. Sober, he inspired this blog and is a producer for CNNfn. Drunk, he pissed in Josh's bedroom and walked in to a house party with an aluminum baseball bat in his hand that he dubbed "homeboy". He's lived in the city his entire life. Mowed a lawn for the first time last month. You shouldn't have to use so many hyphen words to describe someone as I just did. That in itself is unsettling.

Bill Procopio ("Vabilla") the latest of my friends to find a girlfriend, and he shot the moon too, believe me. He shares Paul's passion for rap music and the NBA but adds to that an affection for Vanilla Ice and 90210. Vabilla will laugh at just about anything you say and who doesn't want a friend like that.

Mike Friedlander ("Coach") the best friend any single guy could have. Used to always be up for going out. Would wingman you whenever you wanted. Would go on the dance floor when you knew talking to girls at the bar wouldn't work and no one else wanted to get up off their ass. Now he's settled with a girlfriend and now I settle for his unwavering loyalty and appreciation for my presence at friend functions. I guess it will have to do.

Brian Beers ("Beers") for a while, the 'married' friend, now as more of them get married the 'with kids' friend. Two boys, and a wife that weighs like 80 pounds, maybe. Should be the one going to bed at 10 o'clock and missing these get togethers but he isn't. He typifies all of us. We shouldn't be the way we are, but we are and we wouldn't have it any other way.

Derek Lynch ("Me") the loyal friend who only when in a bad mood thinks about the distance he drives to meet up with everyone else. Would go to the end of the earth to get together with his friends, because he knows they are the best times he'll ever know. His dedication is not the same to the single game, so you will find him going home with something barely human because he knows he can get her and will at least go home with something. Even though the next morning he'll wish he went home with nothing.

The Bridal Party, consists of Erin's roommate breasts, Erin's roommate, Erin's cousin, Josh's sister, a flirtatious divorcee (yes!), a sixteen year old (no!), and my partner, Erin's friend Tracy who brought her boyfriend or else she would have been in my 1:30am wheelhouse. I may have missed one or two, but it's been less of a week and if I can't remember them, they have nothing to add to this blog.

The Setting: Erie, Pennsylvania one of those kinda sorta cities that you know was settled by settlers too lazy to complete the trip from Buffalo to Cleveland so they set up a stop-gap city for the rest of us to take a piss in. It's cute, quaint but you can tell it hasn't been touched since 1995. In fact, I drove under three bridges that said "Erie-Bicentennial, 1995", someone may want to take some paint to those signs, not running for mayor, just making a suggestion.

The Journey: An eight hour drive taking me through Worcester, Albany, Syracuse, and Rochester ending up in Erie, Pennsylvania. Not exactly the Tour of Italy by anymeans, more like the Tour of Roy Rogers. I still want them to build a sign in Rochester saying "Welcome to Rochester, from here on west it's called Pop". Maybe I should run for mayor for one of these cities. I got off to a late (8am) start so I am just making the wedding rehearsal barring any bad accidents on the way. The journey ends just barely on time at the Avalon Hotel where Horse is awaiting anxiously.

The Rehearsal: Fortunately I was not the last of either wedding party to arrive, although many were waiting. I am in a church for the fourth time in my life (three weddings, one funeral) and unfortunately not being Catholic but watching the news whenever you see a priest nowadays you hate to, but you have to wonder. I should stop now before I ensure my place in hell.
The highlight of the rehearsal, besides the learning to walk obviously, was Erin's dad practicing walking her down the aisle, shaking Josh's hand saying "yeah, yeah, it's about time". The first classic line of the weekend. It's classic because thirty years from now it's exactly what Josh will be saying to his daughter's fiancee after he's been tagging her for ten years. Rehearsal ends, now Beers and I just need to pick up our tuxes and it's off to Calamari's, what must be a posh Italian restaurant requiring semi-formal dress.

The Rehearsal Dinner: Tuxes fit, shoes are a little small but we're already a half hour late for the dinner so I decide to just deal. Get back to the hotel, put on my slacks, shirt and sportcoat and arrive at Calamari's. Only problem is Calamari's is a wing bar and everyone is in jeans. My dress provokes laughter from the crowd but a lesson is to be learned here. When in doubt, overdress. Even if you look like an idiot, you are the best looking idiot in the room. Brock has the full attention of the flirtatious divorcee. Erin's roommate's breasts and Erin's roommate are attracted to my friend Greco. Greco has been my friend since my fraternity days, a little older than the rest of us but fits in naturally. Only thing with Greco is if he twisted his ankle playing basketball today, tomorrow he'd tell me he twisted it in Iraq, after killing a platoon of insurgents. He might as well distribute press releases before all of these get togethers. His ego didn't need a one-night stand this weekend but he just may get it. The bartender is the best looking girl I've seen so far. Helps that she's handing out free beer too. We go back to the hotel bar where it's quarter draft night (I knew I'd find something I'd like about this place). We see the girl from the tux place which provokes Paul to say "You had your hand down my pants (get it, she was hemming and adjusting them for the tux)" that's what I love about guy friends you can keep the humor at the fourth grade level and everyone finds it as funny as they did in the fourth grade. Josh's friend Catherine arrives and beats out the Calamari's bartender, although the bartender had free beer and Catherine had an engagement ring.

A long day, nice dinner, a few drinks overall a good day.

(Part 2: Coming this weekend)