Dan Greco Wedding Blog Day 4: A Brush with Fame, A Celebration of Love, and the Beach Race Challenge

Dan and Kristin’s wedding day started with a call from Josh claiming a brush with fame. “Randy from My Name is Earl is in the lobby here in the hotel…its gotta be him”. Now Dean Karnazes might be mistakable but Ethan Suplee doesn’t have that many lookalikes. However I don’t watch enough “My Name is Earl” to make a 100% confirmation. The fact that he wore sunglasses the whole time and spent his entire time by the pool holding his daughter’s hand lays credence to the fact that indeed a C List Celebrity was staying with us at the Sand Pearl. Josh had the idea of inviting him to Dan’s wedding but needless to say he never got that close.

I figure you’ve had enough gripping stories of laying out by the pool and swimming and that’s just about the afternoon so let’s move ahead to before the wedding. Scott meets me at the hotel as we try to figure out putting on tuxes. You’d think we’ve been in enough weddings to have this figured out by now but neck ties, vests and those buttons that go inside the buttons always give me trouble.

We headed up to Dan’s waiting room and as soon as the elevator opens we see, maybe the hottest girl in the entire hotel. We walk past her and not a second after I make a side comment to Scott about her hotness, she chased us down. “Hey Guys, I’m the videographer, are you with the Greco wedding?, make sure he knows I want to get video of you guys putting on your boutonnieres”. Of course I make sure she’s well behind us before I say to Scott “she can get video of me putting on a condom if she wants”. She probably didn’t.




The ceremony was gorgeous, on the beach close to sunset. The only thing that could’ve ruined it was Jason Segel coming out saying “Beach Wedding in Florida…how original!”. What was a nice touch is that the pastor giving the ceremony was mic’ed up so you could hear everything he said throughout the beach and pool area, giving Kristin and Dan some extra spectators for their vows. Dan cried, they kissed, they poured Unity Sand into a glass (replacing the unity candle which would’ve blown out by the beach, and would have been a troubling omen).



Pictures after the ceremony seemed to take forever so we were cooped up in Dan and Kristin’s bridal suite which was insane (two floors, full kitchen, HDTV, and oh yeah an intercom system) , we were so hungry we were eating leftover food from the Bridesmaid’s brunch. Megan asks me for my full name as to write it down like she’s preparing a list.

During the rehearsal dinner Jeff made a list of interpretive dances for us in the bridal party to do during our introductions. Those who know Jeff from his famous dance offs with Vabilla, know The Typewriter, The Shopping Cart, and Glamour Shots. I choose The Q-Tip (wax one ear, wax the other ear, throw away, throw away). We lined up right outside the reception hall and were ready to be introduced. The order is the shortest to longest My bridesmaid and I were the first to be introduced. ..or so we thought.



The first name introduced was not mine but rather Eric Banta, Dan’s longtime friend from High School. However so as to not confuse anyone else I agree to walk ahead and do my Q-Tip dance and take my place in the confused dance hall (Kevin yelled at the bandleader that she was screwing up the introductions, then went back to checking the Villanova score). After that were two more groomsmen and bridesmaids and then the bandleader was about to introduce Dan and Kristin, not knowing SHE SKIPPED THREE SETS OF NAMES. The music stopped and the bandleader ran back and reportedly threw a shit fit at the wedding planner even though she fucked up the list. To restore order the unannounced groomsmen and bridesmaids just walked into the hall unannounced to applause. Oh my, this band has nowhere to go but up.



While Dan and Kristin had their first dance (to Jason Mraz’s “I’m Yours, their song, not mine), the most memorable would be between Jeff (our present danceoff champion) and Kristin’s cousin Jonathan, a trained student of cabaeira (sp?). While Jeff’s interpretive dances were nice and funny. Jonathan trounced him by doing everything including sliding on his head. This wasn’t even close.



You’ve heard enough about food and drink, and of course there was that at the wedding. The band eventually made the people forget how they botched the introductions but let’s just say I would have gladly have taken Booyasteez at half the price. A minor complaint on what was a lovely and fun night.

We headed back to the Bridal Suite for the afterparty, and yet more food and drink. I broke out the straw hat again, as it might have been the last time I get to wear it for a while. During the afterparty we remembered there is still one loose end to tie…the Beach Race Challenge.

Jeff stripped down to a tank top and biker shorts. Scott kept his pants on. Both men were ready, both men set, and we’re off! However as Jeff gets a lead step, Scott puts much too much weight forward and tumbles into the sand of Clearwater Beach. Jeff sprints on to victory as a despondent Scott laid out on the beach recording a DNF in a race where really, there were no winners.



The grand finale of one of the greatest weekends ever was Jeff taking the intercom from the Bridal Suite to sing some of his favorites for 15 minutes, for a segment we called Jeff XM. As you can see I found it hilarious.



It’s appropriate that the man who had more of a part than anyone in introducing to some of the best friends I have now, get the most memorable experience of any wedding I’ve been to yet. Thank you Dan and Kristin Greco, congratulations!

Dan Greco Wedding Blog Day 3: Relaxin and Rehearsin

Friday morning meant a transition of hotels, from the perfectly fine Holiday Inn on the water to the insanely ridiculous Sand Pearl Resort. A ***** star resort that is a long way for a group that used to pack 8 into the Empire Motel in Niagara Falls, Ontario. The time had come for us to live a life way above our paygrade, at least for two days.

After checking in we sit down for lunch at the Clear Sky Café, a place that Jeff and Meg enjoyed on a previous trip to Clearwater. Of course they have Grouper Sandwich, Cuban Panini, and a TV with ESPN and you know who on in the patio. I get the club sandwich, as I’ve never been disappointed by a club sandwich.

I’m sure you want to know about the Sand Pearl and it was everything you’d expect. All the amenities, gym, spa, HDTV, huge pool and hot tub, and service staff who are so nice its almost embarrassing, its easy to forget when looking at room rates, just what a luxury resort experience is like.



Among the perks is an activities desk where you could sign out or rent everything from ping pong paddles to jet skis. We ask for a football, and the gentlemen gladly gives us one but just asks us to keep it out of the pool.


We headed straight for the pool, to go toss the ball around (along with everybody else that borrowed a football from the activities desk). It is there we met Jim Lane, Dan’s longtime fraternity brother and Best Man of the wedding, also one of the most competitive people we know. So Jeff and Jim throw the football back and forth while I scope out “cougars” at the pool (and at a place like this, you’re sure to find some). Eventually Jeff was throwing the ball at some young kids about 8 and under who were jumping into the pool throwing the football. Jim decides this looks like fun and stands with the 8 year olds hoping to jump and catch the football. I regret I have no pictures of this as it was quite the visual.



I leave early as I need to get ready for the wedding rehearsal. Because there’s nothing more necessary than practicing a wedding. I think wedding rehearsals are more for the bride and groom to be assured that everyone will show up and nobody will do anything embarrassing. I’ll spare you the anticipation, there were no prospects in Kristin’s bridal party. Everyone was either taken or way way too young. Both bridal parties were paired tallest to shortest, with yours truly picking up the rear in Dan’s group. The good news coming out of the rehearsal is the Pastor promises a short ceremony, which in 90 degree heat in a tuxedo coat is always a plus.

The Rehearsal Dinner is held at the Bob Heilman’s Beachcomber Restaurant. I have no idea who Bob Heilman is but I went anyway. The dessert is Baked Alaska, which I know I’ll like since I like Sarah Palin and I choose New York Strip Steak as my main course as well I like steak, if not New York. Scott and Sharman joined us but Scott was thrilled when an older couple (liberals who definitely met in the 60s) sit with us and distract Sharman with Dick Cheney bashing and stimulus (not stimulating) talk. This allows Scott to talk about UFC and the Beach Race Challenge with Josh and myself.

As if paying for the Cooters dinner and sending us to the Phillies game wasn’t thanks enough. Dan tries to thank all of us in a speech during the dinner. Emotions understandably overcome him and Kristin is forced to take over. A shining example of why these two are now married.



The nightcap was Jeff getting obnoxiously drunk on Tanqueray and Tonics he could charge to the room leading to more hype with Scott for the Beach Race Challenge. Besides Jeff and Scott, the rest of us were excited enough for the event that brought us together, to take place the next day…the wedding of Kristin Smith and Dan Greco.

Dan Greco Wedding Blog Day 1: The Search for Good Cooters

As a sophomore at Syracuse University, I decided to rush the Fraternity system, hoping to find friends for life but more importantly to get laid while I was in college. When I entered the Lambda Chi Alpha fraternity house, I didn’t know if Lambda Chi was necessarily the best fit for me to accomplish these things. Then one of the brothers sat me down and recruited me like a ***** QB prospect out of Florida. Dan Greco recruited me into Lambda Chi and although only half of that house became long time friends, Dan is absolutely part of that half. We have been friends to the extent that I didn’t give going to or being in his wedding a second thought when he decided to get married 13 years later.

When he told me that wedding would be held in Clearwater Beach, Florida, I immediately thought this was my chance to go on vacation somewhere nice. You see, when your friends live in New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and Virginia, when you go on vacation to visit them and tell your co-workers none of them blink an eye or get the slightest bit jealous. The weeks leading up to this trip, needless to say that changed. The wedding and the four days of the trip lived up to all expectations and then some…

Day 1: Wednesday

I flew Southwest to Florida, and if you haven’t traveled in the past six months, let me advise you; EVERYONE FLIES SOUTHWEST NOW. So many people that the line for the baggage check-in was long enough that I almost missed my flight, I took a lesser known security line and a roundabout way to my gate to make the flight never taking advantage of my B22 Boarding Pass I printed the night before. Bottom line is I made my flight but it was close.



I met up with Josh and his friend from work Catherine at the airport as our flights got in within a half hour of each other. The people at Woodway know Catherine as the one who does all the work while her boss is researching for his fantasy football draft.

While the Sand Pearl Resort, the location of the wedding is a beautiful resort, it is also $350 a night meaning we needed less swank arrangements for the days before. Therefore we check in to the Hotel Motel Holiday Inn (granted we upgraded to a suite upon arrival) but we got a coveted gulf view and a balcony overlooking the pool. While this is all great, by the time we check in its past 1 and all of us are starved. We asked the cute Southern belle at the front desk where to eat and she gives us the easy answer, Frenchy’s.



There are something like 18 Frenchy’s all independently owned, yet all serving the same shit. You figure that out. Frenchy’s and most every restaurant on Clearwater Beach has three featured items. Shock Top beer, which is like Blue Moon except more orangey, delicious at $2.50 a pint. A Cuban Panini, which is pork, salami, ham and cheese on flatbread. And Grouper, the local fish. You can have Grouper Sandwich, Grouper Cheeks, Fried Grouper, Grilled Grouper, Blackened Grouper, Grouper on a Stick, Popcorn Grouper, Jumbo Grouper…okay I’m exaggerating but I think if we went to McDonald’s they would’ve had a McGrouper. Every restaurant in Clearwater had to serve Grouper, it must’ve been the law. I had the Cuban, and it like everything I eat on vacation was delicious.

On the way back Josh said “You look like a Country music singer, and they get laid…they get laid a lot”. Maybe we could meet up with some late Spring Breakers.

The week of my vacation, the Broncos openly declared that they were shopping Jay Cutler, more on this later.

The next four hours were Josh, Catherine and I laying out by the pool and the gulf getting sun in 85 degree weather. I will try not to taunt you all with those details but it was a big part of what we did.

Jeff and his wife Meg, greet us at the Holiday Inn. Not five minutes after we all get in the pool does Jeff try to choke me out in the deep end in the pool. That’s what I like about Jeff, he’s so nice. Jeff’s wife Meg is pregnant and I’ve heard spending time in the pool can accelerate labor. She’s due in August so let’s hope she spends a lot of time in the pool so that baby comes out before the fantasy football draft. It’s good to have your priorities in order.

After getting dressed, we met up with the future Bride and Groom as well as Kevin Leitzell and his father. Kevin had been in Clearwater all week orally servicing following his Philadelphia Phillies Spring Training. We let Jeff lead us to find a dinner spot, this if you have to be told was a mistake.

Our first try was a Japanese Steakhouse, even got as far as sitting down and reading menus. Unfortunately if you didn’t like sushi or anything Japanese, your only option was a $30 steak. We got up and tried other options. After Jeff tried to take us to a small pizza place and a Chinese restaurant we see bright lights and a word no man could resist, Cooters.



Cooters was everything we wanted. Everything fried, including Grouper. Tequila Wings, Gator Bites, Buffalo Nachos. American Idol on the television (I’ll miss Megan Joy, some couldn’t get over the Arm Sleeve, but I appreciated her big picture, thinking you could always tuck the arm under a sheet), the jukebox going back and forth from Journey’s Greatest Hits and Doors Greatest Hits. It was everything great about America in one restaurant.

The dinner was a fantastic start to what would be an all-time weekend.
Dan as a gesture to thank us for coming down paid the tab as we pretended to be upset. Well all of us except Josh. It was a great gesture by a great man, one well worth traveling for.

All this Week: The Dan Greco Wedding Blog

My friend Dan Greco, who recruited me into the failed Lambda Chi Alpha fraternity and has remained my friend since, got married earlier this month in beautiful Clearwater Beach, Florida. Dan, who is best known for his love of making fantasy football trade proposals, proposed a trade of a wedding ring to Kristin Smith in exchange for a lifetime commitment and unlike most of the rest of the owners in our league, she actually accepted a trade proposal from Dan. As tends to be the case with destination weddings, not everyone could attend. So as a service to those people, and because it was that good of a time, I am doing my most detailed wedding blog yet.

Starting Tuesday, the FOUR PART Dan Greco Wedding Blog will appear on The Pizza Parlor. Check everyday this week for updates...

Sacchetti Redemption

Scott had his wife-thrown low key quality time 30th birthday party last Saturday. Sharman made an incredible edible spread and like my own 30th birthday party Buffalo Chicken Dip was involved and it was delicious. The big revelation was a $200 chocolate cake of the likeness to Mr. Met.

Sharman's sister Maria was also there and her first act upon greeting me was to apologize for this unfortunate occurance (man did I write "flowery" back then)

Marrying Billie in Philly: The Bill Procopio Wedding Blog

As I get days away from my 30th birthday and my friends reach the milestone, its impossible not to think about how the next 30 years will be different from the first 30. Weddings bring these thoughts to the forefront like no other event. So when my friend Bill (known in my blogs as Vabilla) invited me and my friends to his wedding in Philadelphia, my friends who I have been seeing less and less without occasion, I wondered just how much would change this weekend and after.

The Man of Honor is Bill Procopio, Billie, Vabilla Ice, at one time he heckled this blog as the “Angry Reader” (hopefully that’s a revelation) but he is a pleasure to be around in person happy go lucky easy to have conversations with and will make you laugh now and then. His fiancée Alison is a beautiful woman whom probably saw Vabilla once but thought his friends (us) were tools so didn’t introduce herself to Bill until after we dispersed. There were three all SU couples at this event who had met each other AFTER graduation. That says something but I don’t know what. I’ve gotten to know and adore Alison as well other than one comment about my sparse use of profanity she has been a doll to me. Couldn’t wait to be with them on their wedding day…

Friday August 10

I hope everyone feels the way I do before one of these weekends. Anticipation with almost no chance of disappointment, ten guys getting together with no drama exchanging laughs interesting conversations and healthy amount of dick and fart jokes that remind us that while we’re all long out of college, those days are not forgotten.

In the rush to meet everyone I make perhaps an unwise decision. I forgo the Mass Pike and take I-95 all the way seeing some traffic. I was met by equal if not more traffic and to make a long agonizing story short, I made what is usually a 5 hour trip, 7 and a half. Although arriving late does make your entrance a little more grand as almost my friends and their wives are there to meet me.

Josh and his wife Erin, Paul and his wife Kate, Coach and his wife Stacey, Dan and his girlfriend Kristin, Smokey and his wife Krista, Coach’s friend Matt and his girlfriend Rachel, Bill’s friend Devo and his wife Amanda who I knew from my houseboy days at the Alpha Gamma Delta sorority house and of course Vabilla and his lovely fiancee’ Alison.

Erin is the first girl to greet me and in her intoxicated state let’s me know that there is a single girl in the wedding party and she’s fresh off a divorce and ready for post wedding action. You can always count on the Hughes’ to look out for the wheelhouse. Apparently she and this bridesmaid were exchanging post pregnancy stories.

After greetings a man by the name of Christian says that I have “some catching up to do” and buys me two shots of tequila which I would feel all day the next day. Once everyone is gathered people convene in Josh’s room for some more catching up and laughs before calling it a night. Someone brings up going to see the King Tut display at the Franklin Institute the next day, which sounds like a good idea, although if you get tequila in me and my friends together anything sounds like a good idea.

Saturday August 11

The Nathan Procopio wedding is a half Jewish half Italian ceremony following the Jewish tradition of taking place at dusk. This means there is plenty of time to kill between the time we wake up and the ceremony. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending how you feel about dead Egyptians, King Tut is sold out forcing us to make alternate plans. Over breakfast with Coach and Stacey we decide to be tourists in Philly. Taking the Phlash (trolley bus that stops at all the touristy stops, it gets you where you want to go in a flash but since its in Philadelphia it’s a Phlash, get it?.)

So what’d we see? If you guessed the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall, you’re right. I put the Liberty Bell up there with Plymouth Rock, the world’s largest rubber band ball in Kansas City, and Albany. If you’re close you feel like you need to see it, but once you see it, there’s nothing left to do but go back to where you came wondering what the big deal was.

I passed on Reading Market as it doesn’t occur to me that it might be exactly like Quincy Market in Boston. Perhaps it was how excited the wives in the party got at the sound of the word Market and join Smokey, and new arrivals Horse and Kevin for another Philly favorite cheesesteaks. Go to place called something Jim’s and while I liked my cheesesteak better than the one I got at the more famous Geno’s, I could easily name ten lunches more worth waiting an hour in line for than a cheesesteak but when in Philly this is what you wait in line for.

It’s easy to notice that the groom Vabilla is palpably nervous. While I’ve never been married myself, I’ve never understood what there is to be nervous about at a wedding. Most of the time the marriage license is signed so to back out would mean getting out of red tape, so that’s unlikely. With the money spent you can expect everything to be ready on time. Everyone in attendance is a relative or friend of yours so any embarrassments would be easily forgiven. In fact I would think an event like a wedding would be so regimented that even if anything did go wrong, it’d be easy to overcome. Not sure why Vabilla is so nervous, but he is.

Finally meet up with Beers who had in e-mail vowed to quit drinking, prompting us all to wonder why. We arrive at the ceremony in charter bus and are greeted by something I don’t think I’ve ever seen before, pre-wedding drinks and hors d’oeurves . The explanation for this is simple, most weddings take place in churches or synagogues where drinking before hand isn’t thought of but Vabilla and Alison’s wedding is taking place outside a reception hall in downtown Philadelphia. I imagine the wedding would’ve taken place somewhere inside the hall if it rained but the weather was perfect and Vabilla and Alison got married with the City of Brotherly Love as the backdrop.

The service was lovely, even though myself, Beers, Dan, Horse, and Smokey couldn’t find seats and we could barely hear Vabilla and Alison. They exchanged their own written vows in a unique move which may or may not have been ripped off David and Donna’s wedding in the final episode of Beverly Hills 90210. I love you forever, I love you forever, I do, I do candle, kiss, Bill and Alison are married…did someone say cocktail hour?

Ever since Paul’s wedding, cocktail hour has been my favorite part of every wedding I’ve gone to. And those with sushi bars always have a fond place in my memory. Well some port in Maine is missing its seafood because it’s all at THIS COCKTAIL HOUR. More varieties of shrimp than Bubba Gump can name, lobster tail and a sushi bar with California Roll, Spicy Tuna, Salmon all in rice to be consumed in nostril flaring Wasabi and Soy. Ahhhhhh! I visited the sushi bar four times rivaled only by my cocktail hour compadre Coach, we went up enough to irk the sushi chef until he gave up and stopped making any more sushi.

As we get in our seats the bridesmaids and groomsmen are introduced to the Chicago Bulls intro song to the surprise of absolutely no one who knows Vabilla. Vabilla and Alison come out to the theme song from Beverly Hills 90210 then perceive to do a dance routine that involved Vabilla swinging his new wife through his legs then doing some kind of kick over head right before she pops up. THAT was what he was so nervous about.

Beers reveals this his quit drinking e-mails were nothing but a ruse, a cunning attempt to trick us. He fooled me.

Josh challenges Jeff by saying that his college alter ego Horse is as good as dead and that he’ll never be as “cool” as he used to be. This challenges Jeff to channel Horse through several Coronas.

As for the divorcee, usually at weddings the single people know right away who each other are and will make eye contact and smile and socialize with purpose towards each other. None of that was happening and as my friends got drunker the less coy they were about their hopes of us getting together. At one point Horse slurs to her “you HAVE to meet Derek” and we got introduced for the fourth time. Wedding hookups are awkward and almost never happen under these circumstances.

Not that Horse was capable of being coy about anything. Shouting out during a particular slow song “Bill this sucks!” he meant the song but that didn’t matter to his wife Meg who gave him a look that I won’t forget anytime soon.

At the last song I finally dance with Amy (the divorcee’) we make small talk but nothing more than that for the third wedding blog in a row there is no juicy hookup story. I’m sorry.

The night ended triumphantly as Bill did one final dance to Ice Ice Baby in front of all his friends and family. If I get married before Bill is crippled, I expect him to bring back this return at my wedding.

Anyway, the fun continues to the charter bus back to the hotel as we sing songs like 8 year olds on the way to camp. And as usually happens on these weekends, the nights don’t end early or easily. In fact after the party was the hotel lobby groups of us drinking beer talking fantasy football paying too much attention to a talkative single girl (nope, didn’t hook up with her either). A group of people getting together to celebrate life’s changes and the things that will never change.

A Wedding Ten Years and Eight Hours in the Making (Part II)

The Next Morning: We agreed last night to meet for breakfast at about 10am. I'm up at 9 to watch a little Sportscenter and head down early in case anyone else is downstairs. Then I realize one little detail that I forgot...a wedding card. You see Erin and Josh registered online and offered shipping directly to their address. Painless, absolutely painless, but no reminder for me to get them a card. Luckily there is a Rite-Aid right around the corner. Greco and I go down, I get my card, he gets cigarrettes. The counter girl excitedly tells us "Wow, you have the exact same change." I guess when you're a counter girl at Rite-Aid, anything that helps you get excited is worth saying out loud.
We meet for breakfast and Horse wants to go to a diner a couple blocks down the road. Finding out that it wasn't within walking distance we decide to eat at the hotel restaurant for breakfast. Most everyone gets the buffet, but I can never go out for breakfast and pass up Eggs Benedict. Here it's called the "State Street Special", whatever, I order it. Well, the buffet crowd goes up twice, and are shocked to find out the food sucks. Above and beyond how buffet food usually sucks. We're talking egg shells in the eggs sucks. Which I would be laughing about but it's been 40 minutes and I still don't have my Eggs Benedict. When I get it, it is nothing to write home about. This may have been my first bad breakfast. Then again it's one of my first sober breakfasts in a long time. Maybe a coincidence. Maybe not. Maybe we should have gone to the diner.
Time to put on the tuxes and meet in Josh's room for the first of many pictures. Then we head downstairs where the ten person limo is waiting. I start a clapping session all the way down the elevator. As we hit the ground floor there is only one thing that can be said. WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE! Classic me. I must say... I stepped up.
The Wedding: Of course the ten person limo isn't meant for ten people and we are all quite close on the ride over. It's a pretty warm day and we are all pretty thirsty so we stop in the convenience store across the street from the church. The staff at the convenience store look at us funny, even though 1) we're across the street from a church and 2) it's Memorial Day weekend. None of us had the exact same change though so nobody said anything.
Now if you've ever been a groomsman in a wedding you know your job is to usher ladies down the aisle. We are given very few instructions, just seat them on the side they request. It's awkward at first because traditions have dissipated and the idea of walking old ladies three rows sounds silly, especially when they walk right by you. Coach and Paul are reluctant ushers, however EZE seems to walk down every attractive woman down the aisle. Lucky bastard. I walk down a couple of the "Virginia Girls" (more on them later) but they were the only ones under 50.
As with most weddings, the bride's side is packed much deeper than the groom's. The groom's side always just shows up for the reception food and a few drinks and goes home.
The ceremony begins and unlike Erin's mother, father, sister or anyone that would be forgiven for doing so, Josh wells up as Erin is walked down the aisle. He recovers smoothly by saying "My contact, My contact". The line was so good, I choose to try to believe him and try not to bring it up everyday I see him from here til death.
One prank gone half-wrong. Horse put tape on the bottom of Josh's shoes spelling HE on one side and LP on the other. So that when Josh and Erin knelt for communion, the word "HELP" would appear on his shoes. Unfortunately the right shoe's tape rolled up and only HE on the left shoe was readable. Needless to say the bride didn't find this as amusing as you just did.
Speaking of communion, it is one of those awkward things at a Catholic wedding for non-Catholics. Now Amin and Coach are Jewish and are not taking communion, but other than them I am the only one. While Amin and Coach look like Jews and it's obvious to everyone why they aren't eating the free crackers and wine, I have no excuse except for the fact that I am a Satan worshipper. I'm not, but to anyone there I could have been. The point is, what to do? I knelt when they read the prayers. Said amen when people said amen. But I didn't take the crackers and wine. I'm sure whatever I did I'm going to hell for because I was still thinking about the bad hotel porn I wasted money on the night before.
One more thing, I didn't know anything about the people doing the readings this time. At EZE's wedding it was fun trying not to laugh at the person reading Ecclesiastes after being told he was the guy who had his nuts covered in shaving cream and set on fire at the bachelor. If I get married to a Catholic and my bachelor party is in Vegas, I'm giving a reading to that got a hooker, just for the irony.
So Josh and Erin get married and we hang around for yet more pictures. In front of the church, in front of the park. Highlights include the flirtatious divorcee almost falling face first in my lap which she says would "be great for him, bad for my makeup". Don't know how to respond to that. And a picture of Erin with the nine of us, which took me back to a pleasant night in Syracuse. Also we took a picture in front of one of the fifty frogs outside buildings in Erie. Another great idea probably around 1996 when they decided not to paint over the Bicentennial bridges. "Mr. Mayor we have extra money in the budget and we need to spruce up the city, what should we build? An inner-city school, a convention center, a park"..."No, none of that let's put up sculptures of frogs everywhere, that will be a hoot!"..."Sounds good Mayor McCheese".
The Reception: Tracy and I make our way to the reception to the Sopranos theme song. We were told to go out there and just do whatever. Tracy does I don't know what and I just play along. A video montage of Josh and Erin plays to Shania Twain's "Looks like we made it". Guess my hopes of not hearing that song at a wedding reception once in five years were too ambitious.
At the head table you get to the buffet first and at a wedding of 450 people there is nothing more fun than going to the back table of your friends and telling them how good the food is and how full you are. Its as much fun everytime I do it. Really. Yes, I'm an asshole. The drinks consist of whiskey sours and Coach's concoction which he is calling "Kliqness" made of rum, pineapple juice, peach schnapps and some other stuff mixed in there. Even though it comes out pink, it is really good.
Erin's roommates breasts and Erin's roommate continue to dance and flirt with Greco. He probably should have taken her upstairs early on. Brock and the flirtations divorcee are inseperable. We find out that Josh in the 6th grade adopted the nickname "Hugs", get it Hughes...Hugs, Josh...part gay. It all makes just a little more sense now. It's also revealed he had the New York Mets logo shaved into the back of his head in Junior High. Ah the things you can learn only at a wedding.
What could be more fun at an all-white wedding than an all white dance-off. Josh's friend DJ, fresh off of hooking up with the bartender at Calamari's by the way, and Vabilla. To Bill's namesake's song, it doesn't seem fair, but somehow DJ manages to steal the dance floor. The Kliq's contribution is a request for Ruff Ryder's Anthem, to which we all mosh and slam dance at the same time. Needless to say any pictures of this are not being sent to the SU alumni magazine. We end up scaring the entire party off the dance floor and a good half of them back to their homes. Proud moments.
The reception winds down and I get introduced to Lisa, one of the "Virginia Girls" a third grade teacher from Virginia who teaches at Erin's school. She seems nice and I seem drunk and we both seem at a wedding and you know where this is going...or do you?
The Hospitality Suite: After the reception we go to the hospitality suite for the afterparty. I talk to Lisa some more and Erin informs me that if I want to hook up with her I can. Thanks Erin, until now there was so much confusion and mixed signals. She says "I really feel a connection to you", at this point I could feel a connection to a water buffalo if it showed interest. Beers is playing DJ using an Ipod. The rest of the guys are playing Texas Hold'em. Lisa wants to go upstairs to "exchange e-mail addresses". She keeps talking about her opinions on people and life and blah,blah, blah. We get to my room, gives me her e-mail address she proceeds to kiss me, tackle me to the bed, and dry hump me like a mechanical bull. She then asks me what my passion is (oral sex, receiving it specifically), she informs me that her passion is teaching. About then I notice something. I'm starting to feel really full and somewhat tired. I tell her I'm feeling somewhat full and really tired and she proceeds back to her room. I go to the bathroom, thinking I have to piss and blllleeeeeaaaahhhh. PINK KLIQNESS EVERYWHERE!!!! Half of it made it into the toilet...maybe. I look in the mirror and realize I am wasting one of the few weekends I have left with my friends for some easy action. I step up and go back to the Hospitality suite.

The Conclusion:
Texas Hold 'Em is still playing...
Josh is upstairs consummating his marriage with hopefully more than "Hugs"...
Jeff throws a fit when Bill gets his pair on the River (or is it the Turn, or the Flop?)...
Kathman is on the balcony smoking rolled cigarrettes...
Brock is probably banging the flirtatious divorcee...
EZE is thrilled because his wife let him smoke a cigarrette...
Amin is dancing in his seat to Digable Planets...
Vabilla looks like Michael Corleone with his full tux still on and a cigar in his mouth...
Coach is congratulating me on making it back downstairs...
Beers is still playing the Ipod, three hours after his wife left upstairs upset and...

I am back in the Hospitality Suite with my best friends. Realizing in the five years since we were all in college, nothing has changed.
No place I'd rather be. Classic weekend with classic friends.

Worth the ten year wait.
Worth the eight hour drive.

A Wedding Ten Years and Eight Hours in the Making (Part 1)

While some of us will end up marrying the first woman we sleep with two nights in a row, some men are lucky enough to have known the woman they will marry for quite some time. Living a good number of years with them and making a marriage a formal celebration of a life already lived together and another life still to come. Unfortunately that life to come will involve only missionary sex maybe once a month and forever obedience to a woman's rules for your everlasting existence. If that is the case then, you know the wedding should be something worth remembering, worth cherishing, worth writing about in a blog such as this one. That said let me set the stage for you...

The Main Characters: My friend Josh, just plain Josh, no nickname (more on this later). He's the unifying force in my group of friends. When uncertainty abounds, Josh will gear us to a conclusion. Not a field general (unless strippers are involved, then he means business), but an easy person to follow when you have no where else to go. One of the most dependable people you know and an all-out good guy. You may never meet a plainer person than Josh, in fact if you meet him for a day and never see him again, you will have forgotten him by the time you get home. That's not necessarily a bad thing, he's not obnoxious enough to be disliked or anything but whenever I mention my friends to outsiders that have met them before I always have to explain Josh a little more than anyone else, but if they did know him there's no doubt they'd love him. He's marrying his looooong time girlfriend Erin B. An outgoing (especially when drinking) West Pennsylvania polish woman who calls the shots when they are together. They started being serious at the end of high school. They survived four years at different colleges, Living together during grad school, and a "Test Girl" that every long-time relationship must pass to know they will truly make it. It's as if these Test Girl's are thrown in by reality-TV producers just to make a couple's lives more entertaining. Obviously, Josh and Erin have passed the "Test Girl" and have invited me to Erie for their wedding.

The Supporting Cast: Jeff Horstman (aka "Horse"), one of two Best Men, cocky and competitive (at games that don't mean anything like "A**hole" or Beer Pong) his newly engaged fiancee, is ultra quiet, thank god or they would both be killed by someone.

John Kathman ("Kathman"), the other Best Man, barely speaks, and only speaks when spoken too. Rolls his own cigarettes. A complete enigma, I know him no better today than before the bachelor party and this wedding. I do know he can get ass whenever he wants. He better be liking life.

Brock Last Name not known ("Brock"), a complete Metrosexual. Openly straight, hits on everyone but in a touch their hair, compliment their nails, with a slight lisp sort of way. It must work to perfection and he is probably laughing at the world, including me. Metrosexuals are today's geniuses and the worst invention of the past three years..

Eric Wohlleber ("EZE"), up til now the most recently married of my friends and the one who if he wrote me tomorrow and announced he was leaving his wife and coming out of the closet, I wouldn't be surprised one bit. Everyone makes gay jokes but this kid LOVES gay jokes. Almost too much. Maybe too much.

Paul Amin, ("Amin") the next friend of mine to get married. Happy-go-lucky, know-it-all, wanna be African-American-Jew. Loves rap music and the NBA. Sober, he inspired this blog and is a producer for CNNfn. Drunk, he pissed in Josh's bedroom and walked in to a house party with an aluminum baseball bat in his hand that he dubbed "homeboy". He's lived in the city his entire life. Mowed a lawn for the first time last month. You shouldn't have to use so many hyphen words to describe someone as I just did. That in itself is unsettling.

Bill Procopio ("Vabilla") the latest of my friends to find a girlfriend, and he shot the moon too, believe me. He shares Paul's passion for rap music and the NBA but adds to that an affection for Vanilla Ice and 90210. Vabilla will laugh at just about anything you say and who doesn't want a friend like that.

Mike Friedlander ("Coach") the best friend any single guy could have. Used to always be up for going out. Would wingman you whenever you wanted. Would go on the dance floor when you knew talking to girls at the bar wouldn't work and no one else wanted to get up off their ass. Now he's settled with a girlfriend and now I settle for his unwavering loyalty and appreciation for my presence at friend functions. I guess it will have to do.

Brian Beers ("Beers") for a while, the 'married' friend, now as more of them get married the 'with kids' friend. Two boys, and a wife that weighs like 80 pounds, maybe. Should be the one going to bed at 10 o'clock and missing these get togethers but he isn't. He typifies all of us. We shouldn't be the way we are, but we are and we wouldn't have it any other way.

Derek Lynch ("Me") the loyal friend who only when in a bad mood thinks about the distance he drives to meet up with everyone else. Would go to the end of the earth to get together with his friends, because he knows they are the best times he'll ever know. His dedication is not the same to the single game, so you will find him going home with something barely human because he knows he can get her and will at least go home with something. Even though the next morning he'll wish he went home with nothing.

The Bridal Party, consists of Erin's roommate breasts, Erin's roommate, Erin's cousin, Josh's sister, a flirtatious divorcee (yes!), a sixteen year old (no!), and my partner, Erin's friend Tracy who brought her boyfriend or else she would have been in my 1:30am wheelhouse. I may have missed one or two, but it's been less of a week and if I can't remember them, they have nothing to add to this blog.

The Setting: Erie, Pennsylvania one of those kinda sorta cities that you know was settled by settlers too lazy to complete the trip from Buffalo to Cleveland so they set up a stop-gap city for the rest of us to take a piss in. It's cute, quaint but you can tell it hasn't been touched since 1995. In fact, I drove under three bridges that said "Erie-Bicentennial, 1995", someone may want to take some paint to those signs, not running for mayor, just making a suggestion.

The Journey: An eight hour drive taking me through Worcester, Albany, Syracuse, and Rochester ending up in Erie, Pennsylvania. Not exactly the Tour of Italy by anymeans, more like the Tour of Roy Rogers. I still want them to build a sign in Rochester saying "Welcome to Rochester, from here on west it's called Pop". Maybe I should run for mayor for one of these cities. I got off to a late (8am) start so I am just making the wedding rehearsal barring any bad accidents on the way. The journey ends just barely on time at the Avalon Hotel where Horse is awaiting anxiously.

The Rehearsal: Fortunately I was not the last of either wedding party to arrive, although many were waiting. I am in a church for the fourth time in my life (three weddings, one funeral) and unfortunately not being Catholic but watching the news whenever you see a priest nowadays you hate to, but you have to wonder. I should stop now before I ensure my place in hell.
The highlight of the rehearsal, besides the learning to walk obviously, was Erin's dad practicing walking her down the aisle, shaking Josh's hand saying "yeah, yeah, it's about time". The first classic line of the weekend. It's classic because thirty years from now it's exactly what Josh will be saying to his daughter's fiancee after he's been tagging her for ten years. Rehearsal ends, now Beers and I just need to pick up our tuxes and it's off to Calamari's, what must be a posh Italian restaurant requiring semi-formal dress.

The Rehearsal Dinner: Tuxes fit, shoes are a little small but we're already a half hour late for the dinner so I decide to just deal. Get back to the hotel, put on my slacks, shirt and sportcoat and arrive at Calamari's. Only problem is Calamari's is a wing bar and everyone is in jeans. My dress provokes laughter from the crowd but a lesson is to be learned here. When in doubt, overdress. Even if you look like an idiot, you are the best looking idiot in the room. Brock has the full attention of the flirtatious divorcee. Erin's roommate's breasts and Erin's roommate are attracted to my friend Greco. Greco has been my friend since my fraternity days, a little older than the rest of us but fits in naturally. Only thing with Greco is if he twisted his ankle playing basketball today, tomorrow he'd tell me he twisted it in Iraq, after killing a platoon of insurgents. He might as well distribute press releases before all of these get togethers. His ego didn't need a one-night stand this weekend but he just may get it. The bartender is the best looking girl I've seen so far. Helps that she's handing out free beer too. We go back to the hotel bar where it's quarter draft night (I knew I'd find something I'd like about this place). We see the girl from the tux place which provokes Paul to say "You had your hand down my pants (get it, she was hemming and adjusting them for the tux)" that's what I love about guy friends you can keep the humor at the fourth grade level and everyone finds it as funny as they did in the fourth grade. Josh's friend Catherine arrives and beats out the Calamari's bartender, although the bartender had free beer and Catherine had an engagement ring.

A long day, nice dinner, a few drinks overall a good day.

(Part 2: Coming this weekend)