Saturday, April 22, 2006

Don't Draft Shaun Alexander!

Despite his 28 Touchdowns last season, Fantasy Football owners may want to stay away from drafting Shaun Alexander. The reigning league MVP is EA's choice to dawn the cover of theMadden 07 Video Game. The game has been the subject of the momentum gaining Madden Curse which is that the player on the cover has either suffered a significant injury or a season nowhere like the one that earned him the cover. While Alexander is the 2005 MVP EA tries to put a player on the cover that coincides with the newest feature of the game. Which may mean that new wrinkles are being thrown in to running the football. The last five players to be on the cover have suffered injury the following year:

2006- Donovan McNabb
2005- Ray Lewis
2004- Michael Vick
2003- Marshall Faulk
2002- Daunte Culpepper


Friday, April 21, 2006

BREAKING NEWS: Big Signing

The Pizza Parlor has learned that Derek Lynch is expected to sign a One-Year Lease with Edgewater Hills in Framingham, Massachusetts Apartment Complex today. Stay tuned to The Pizza Parlor for continuing coverage and details. Again, Derek Lynch signing with Edgewater Hills..now back to our regular blog coverage.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Jack Shit: "12:00 AM-1:00 AM"

In this column, usually on Tuesdays, I will provide commentary on the past episode of '24'.

SPOILER SPACE (If you don't want any of last night's episode of '24' spoiled for you do not scroll past the picture of Jack Bauer)


So you had to know it wouldn't be as simple as William Devane (whatever his character's name is) taking the recording to the Attorney General and taking down the conspiracy by himself. As some suspected Devane did turn on Jack Bauer, well kind of. He gave Jack a throat shot that would've made Superfly Jimmy Snuka proud, incapacitating him so that he could handle Logan himself and try to make him resign quietly and not make a spectacle of the conspiracy so that American morale wouldn't be damaged by another Presidential scandal. His plan did not work as Henderson found Bauer and Audrey convincing Jack to give him the recording in exchange for a cut up Audrey. Jack was able to suppress the disgusting bleeding but they must start again to find another way to uncover the conspiracy between President Logan and Henderson.

Devane is awesome in the James Heller role. His scene with Logan, not shaking his hand was classic. He may want to threaten to expose the name of the 80's hair band Logan was in that made him pierce his ear five times (anyone else see that?). Or he should've said "aren't you that guy from the Over 100 shows you've been on"

With six hours left, I tend to believe there is one more major plot twist before this day ends. What that is, I have no idea. Aaron may be dead Martha may be dead or kidnapped next week(hour).

A few more questions/thoughts:

No one seems to really care that TONY ALMEIDA DIED TODAY.

Where the hell is Curtis?

Did I miss Chole finding out the truth about Shari's sexual harrassment claim against Miles?

How funny is Miles dialogue with Chloe?

Doesn't Mia Kirshner have to be involved somehow?

That's all for today. Now you know Jack Shit.

Ten Days that Unexpectedly Changed America

A lot of you don't know but I am a History Channel loving dork. This past week they ran a series of hour long looks at Ten Days that Unexpectedly Changed America. The catch being that these were turning points in American History that people didn't realize were turning points at the time but set off a series of events that shaped the country. Therefore July 4, 1776; December 7, 1941; and September 11, 2001 were not on the list. On the list, ranked by own perceived significance were.

10. The Scopes Trial- A trial in Tennessee about Evolution vs. Creation that has changed nobody's mind to this day.

9. Assassination of William McKinley- Brought about the unlikely ascent of Teddy Roosevelt to power causing a dramatic shift in policy from unregulated capitalism to a focus on environmental and consumer's rights.

8. Homestead Strike- A standoff at Andrew Carnegie's Homestead, PA Steel Mill the first major labor dispute. My high school US History teacher was from Pittsburgh and did a two week lesson on this that bored the shit out of me.

7. Elvis Presley on the Ed Sullivan Show- Changed music and pop culture as America knew it. Back then he was a generation's Marilyn Manson, now he's on a postage stamp.

6. 1849 Gold Rush- The impetus for Westward Expansion.

5. Battle of Antietam- A 23,000 casualty "tie" between the Union and Confederate armies that allowed Lincoln to give the Emancipation Proclamation and stalled foreign support for the Confederacy.

4. Massacre at Mystic- The first slaughtering of Native Americans by English settlers. Concessions to the Pequots allowed Foxwoods and Paul's bachelor party to happen.

3. Einstein's Letter to FDR- Made the U.S. aware of Hitler's Nuclear aspirations and started the U.S. Nuclear program.

2. "Freedom Summer"- The murder of three Civil Rights Workers in Mississippi, two of them white Northern students that brought nationwide attention to the Mississippi desegregation movement.

1. Shay's Rebellion- A near civil war between the farmers of Western Massachusetts and the merchants, politicians, and judges of Eastern Massachusetts that proved the Articles of Confederation to be toothless and spawning the Constitutional Convention and George Washington's comeback. Probably the inspiration for this entire series and a REALLY good name for a bar.

Other days that unexpectedly changed America in my lifetime were:

1980 U.S. Olympic Hockey Game vs. USSR- Not that I need to see another special about it but its effect on America's morale was mind-blowing...

Surrender of the Republican Guard at the First Persian Gulf War- And the decision to keep a presence in Saudi Arabia and not remove Saddam Hussein from power led to the events of 9/11 and the subsequent War in Iraq...

1995 Government Shutdown- An example of the relationship between Bill Clinton and the Republican congress. But this event allowed Clinton some extra "down time" with Monica Lewinsky...

The Invention of the Internet and Stone Cold Steve Austin's 1996 King of the Ring Acceptance Speech

Cunnilingus & Psychiatry: "Live Free or Die"

Cunnilingus & Psychiatry is the title for my weekly Sopranos recaps. Each week usually on Mondays I will post my thoughts on the past week's Sopranos episode.

SPOILER SPACE (Do not scroll down past the picture of Vito Spatafore if you don’t want any of the last episode of Sopranos spoiled for you)

From HBO.com

I have lived a long time and grown up to be a tolerant person with a true belief and equal rights and justice for all. But let the blood stop flowing from my body the day I find episodes like last night’s Sopranos not funny. “Let’s take this in the back”, “a real come-from-behind kinda guy”, “greasing the Union”, “maybe he’s got a hard-on for Vito”. Last night’s gay joke a minute gigglefest was an enjoyable hour. The Sopranos tackled gay rights with the same views that exist in most of the general public between Paulie and Phil’s view of Vito as a “disgrazi” and Tony’s “I’m no fag, but who gives a shit” attitude (which I believe is shared by about 75% of the country) last night’s episode, which you knew was coming at some point was both funny and socially relevant which the show struggles to be both at times. Shocking references to Showtime’s “The ‘L Word’”, Cold Case, and Senator Rick “Sanitarium” were inserted very well.

Of course at the center of all of this was Vito being outed to the family and having to go on the lam to of all places, New Hampshire. Reading the blurb on my cable guide that last night’s episode was titled “Live Free of Die”, I knew New Hampshire would be mentioned or intricate in the plot somehow. I was very curious as to exactly how it would be. As in “What about Bob?” and “On Golden Pond” the writers chose to send Vito to Northern New Hampshire to show a pigeonholed view of what New Hampshire is really like. Vito could’ve stopped in Southern New Hampshire and experienced the same polite hokeyness from the people while walking its strip highways, shopping malls and abundance of gas stations, but that probably wouldn’t have been enough of a contrast from North Jersey. For the record, I have never been to Danforth or stepped inside an antique shop.

Other passing thoughts:

Anyone else feel dirty after that shot of Vito’s babysitter?

So did they whack Rusty or not?

I have no idea where this Arab angle is going.

I know Meadow isn’t marrying Finn and for all her volunteering, internships and grad school education she’s still “Tony Soprano’s kid”.

It looks like next week is the obligatory “poor Artie” episode. Wake me up when it’s over.