Wrestlemania 23 Preview

Okay so you've read all of my Wrestlemania moments. With all the good times Wrestlemania is still a curiosity of mine so here is a preview of this Wrestlemania, Wrestlemania 23 from Ford Field in Detroit, Michigan...

Melina vs. Ashley (Women's Championship Match)- Ashley is this month's Playboy Cover Girl as part of a contract between the WWE and Playboy to give them the April Cover to feature whoever they want to (Sable, Torrie Wilson, Candice Michelle). Melina is much hotter and a heel playing the stuck up "Hollywood Socialite" gimmick and Women's Champion.
Who Should Win: Melina is the most interesting "Diva" in the company
Who Will Win: Ashley to try to recover some struggling single-copy sales of her Playboy.

The Great Khali vs. Kane- An absolutely worthless match as The Great Kahli is this year's Giant Gonzalez. He is the freshest of these talentless oeffs that Vince McMahon seems to love.
Who Should Win: Khali, I guess.
Who Will Win: Khali, probably.

Tommy Dreamer, Sandman, Sabu, Rob Van Dam vs. Matt Striker, Elijah Burke, Marcus Cor Von, Kevin Thorn- What do you mean you haven't heard of the last four guys? Any old ECW fan doesn't want to tune in to Sci-Fi on Tuesday nights to see what has happened to their beloved ECW.
Who Should Win: The ECW Originals
Who Will Win: Those other four guys.

Chris Benoit vs. MVP (United States Championship Match)- MVP is a Terrell Owens based gimmick, Benoit was the Main Event winner three years ago.
Who Should Win: I've never been a Benoit ball-tonguer but this MVP guy sucks.
Who Will Win: MVP.

Edge vs. Randy Orton vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy vs. CM Punk vs. King Booker vs. Finlay vs. Mr. Kennedy ("Money in the Bank" Ladder Match)- Money in the Bank means a title shot whenever you want it, no questions asked. Edge is the best performer in the company on all fronts, Orton is Bob Orton's kid and at the center of the HGH controversy, you know the Hardys, CM Punk is the ECW rep and indy superstar, King Booker is Booker T, Finlay is Fit Finlay doing a stereotypical Irish gimmick, Kennedy does his own ring entrances which was cool a year and a half ago. Most of the best workers in one match at Wrestlemania, BRILLIANT!
Who Should Win: Orton, I have an idea.
Who Will Win: Everyone that can win has gotten at least one title shot, let's say Edge.

Bobby Lashley vs. Umaga (Battle of the Billionares Hair vs. Hair Match, Steve Austin as the Referee)- Lashley is black and on steroids, Umaga is a Samoan straight out of 1993. If Lashley wins Vince McMahon will have his head shaved, if Umaga wins Donald Trump will have his head shaved. I'm sure every offer has been made for Trump to lose his hair and get WWE put on every news and internet outlet out there the following week. It isn't happening.
Who Should Win: Umaga just for the buzz that could lead to a WWE surge (the last one was ten years ago)
Who Will Win: Lashley, never been so sure of anything.

Undertaker vs. Batista (World Heavyweight Championship Match)- Batista is HHH's former bodyguard. Undertaker is 14-0 in Wrestlemania and not anxious to give up that streak anytime soon. UT will lose at Wrestlemania at some point but Batista isn't a big enough superstar to do it.
Who Should Win:- Batista, I hate The Undertaker
Who Will Win- Undertaker.

Shawn Michaels vs. John Cena- They are both the current WWE Tag Team Champions. Michaels superkicked Cena at the end of Raw last week to end a brilliant "who will turn on who" angle that lasted the better part of two months. Cena is so stale as a babyface he needs something to change pace and keep his character fresh.
Who Should Win: Michaels, followed by Orton cashing in the "Money in the Bank" he won earlier that night (especially if its the first match) beating Michaels with the help of Cena, this would be a brilliant way to end the show.
Who Will Win: Cena, WWE has never been so high on a guy since Hulk Hogan.

Wrestlemania Moments: X8 in Toronto

Fast forward three years and Wrestlemania, professional wrestling and our lives are a little different. I am in "The Pizza Parlor Years" of my life, a harsh does of real world reality after finally graduating from SU. Scott is working for Channel 5 in Syracuse waiting for his ticket out of the town we inhabited for so long. Paul, Dan, Horse, and Coach have landed first jobs, Josh is in grad school. All are wondering if they had indeed "outgrown" watching wrestling religiously on Monday nights.

The WWF has expedited this by "jumping the shark". Having acquired WCW and blown a great WWF vs. WCW angle because 1) Spike TV wouldn't give the WCW brand a separate show and 2) Vince McMahon couldn't fathom a feud where the new WCW guys would be on an even keel with his guys. The result was a contrived Invasion angle where WWF stars would jump back and forth between WWF and a WCW-ECW Alliance and keeping every WCW title belt to make about 15 titles. Interest declined precipitously but one upside to having all WCW (the ones not binded by Time-Warner contract) and WWF guys under one umbrella was that it gave a whole new set of possibilities for dream matches.

So, not only was this trip just Scott and I. No one was even upset they weren't included. In fact my expectations were low except that I was going to Toronto for the first time and watching wrestling with 66,000 other people. And that Rock-Hogan match intrigued me even if I expected it to be a bore. Well...

I drive up in my 6 month old Chrysler 300M which I still drive today. Two Syracuse educated geniuses wonder how Toronto got FARTHER away once we crossed the border and onto the QEW (Answer: Mile counts were now Kilometer counts, not our best moment).

Stayed at a gorgeous hotel in Toronto (yes its a CLEAN city). In the hotel bar, Three TVs had NCAA Tournament basketball on, one TV had a game between Alberta College and Western Ontario. You see, they have March Madness in Canada too. In fact they got a lot of things that Americans have (Exxon is Esso, Little Caesar's is Pizza, Pizza, ESPN is TSN). If you want to you can feel like you're in another country, if you don't you can find enough similarities to American cities in Toronto.

We hit all the touristy spots, Gretzky's restaurant, Hard Rock Cafe Skydome, and Piel's Pub. Piel's Pub was a disappointment. For one, one half the bar was all tables you weren't able to stand and drink. Not the optimum social place and not worth waiting in line in the freezing cold for 45 minutes.

Go BACK to Hard Rock Cafe Skydome and see the empty arena for the first time. An unforgettable site seeing how big the place was. Hour before showtime, we leave the Hard Rock and get set to enter Skydome for the show. Sounds simple enough right?

Well this is the first post-9/11 Wrestlemania. So security is overly diligent. As if Osama Bin Laden had a sheet that said "Twin Towers, Pentagon, Capitol, Wrestlemania". I think if 66,000 wrestling fans in Canada were attacked it would barely make the G Block on the evening news. We must've waited an hour and a half to move a block's distance. After the pre-show had been on for a half hour, security awakens to this and just lets us through. Move our way up to the 600 level(?) Running long and we still haven't seen Ed the Sock, so I'll go through the matches quickly.

Rob Van Dam vs. William Regal (Intercontinental Championship Match)- Van Dam drops Regal on his head, Regal answers with stiff punches. RVD wins the IC belt.

Diamond Dallas Page vs. Christian (European Championship Match)- DDP is doing a Martha Stewart like gimmick. Beats Christian than leaves by giving him encouraging words.

Maven vs. Goldust (Hardcore Championship Match)- Goldust wins but since the title is defended 24/7 it changes hands several times during the event eventually going back to Maven at the end.

Kurt Angle vs. Kane- Angle wins with the Ankle Lock. These two were wrestling for no reason other than they hadn't before.

The Undertaker vs. Ric Flair- Flair did a power-struggle angle with Vince since he entered the WWF in November. Vince offers him up to The Undertaker as part of it. The Undertaker is 14-0 at Wrestlemania.

Edge vs. Booker T- This angle was over a shampoo endorsement. Like I said the WWF has jumped the shark.

Steve Austin vs. Scott Hall- Austin was supposed to lose this match to establish the nWo in the WWF but he already felt marginalized by his role in this Wrestlemania and refused to job. He would retire a year later and Hall would go back on the wagon soon after this.

Billy and Chuck vs. APA vs. Dudley Boyz vs. Hardy Boyz (Tag Team Championship Match)- If Stacy Kiebler wasn't the valet for the Dudley Boyz, I would've found my way to the bathroom during this match. Billy and Chuck were a gay tag team who won the belts in this match.

The Rock vs. Hulk Hogan- What I expected to be a slow, sloppy walk through (because since Hogan's departure, the WWF ran him down to be slow and old), Turned out to be the single most memorable sporting event I've attended live. The crowd almost in unison realizes Hogan is back at Wrestlemania after a 9 year absence and goes apeshit for him. Even booing all The Rock's offense. Both wrestlers realize this and reverse roles midway through the match. Rock wins because nothing else made sense but Hogan afterwards turns on the nWo. Scott wishes they played "Real American" during the Rock-Hogan joint posedown but he forgets he was in Canada at the time, which is easy to do.

Jazz vs. Trish Stratus vs. Lita- I think they purposely put this between the two matches to numb the crowd. Jazz (no reason to remember) beats hometown girl Trish (with a Maple Leaf on her ass) to retain the title.

Triple H vs. Chris Jericho- I'm convinced this match is the root of Triple H's now uncontrollable ego. Injured with a torn quadriceps muscle. He has made his way back to the Main Event at Wrestlemania against Unified Champion Chris Jericho. He wins and is supposed to bask in the glory of 66,000 fans cheering his title win at the end of Wrestlemania. However because of the reaction the Rock-Hogan match got, the crowd never gets behind this match or Triple H. He was already jealous of Rock for his fledgling movie success now Rock and Hogan have stolen HIS Wrestlemania. After Rock leaves to do movies full time Triple H uses his relationship with Vince's daughter to achieve "creative control" and run wrestling into the ground.

Two pleasant surprises after we got back to the hotel. 1) Wrestlemania was the top story in the Toronto news (this would never happen in America) 2) Canada's "Much Music" presents Ed the Sock, a cigar smoking, foul-mouthed sock puppet who sexually harasses topless supermodels. Scott and I spend the next five years waiting for Ed the Sock to come over the border. We're still waiting.

Having jumped the shark or not. Even in one of its lulls. Wrestlemania managed to provide us with a moment of all moments...Enough good memories to consider some day going back...Hope you enjoyed!

Set Your DVRs

NBC is running a marathon of "The Office" tonight. New episodes will return in April (hopefully next week) but tonight, even though its not labeled as such, the marathon is a "Best of The Office" showing what appears to be the best five episodes ever in their opinion. Those would be:

"Diversity Day"- In my opinion, the funniest sitcom episode I've ever seen.
"Health Care"- The other good episode from Season One. Dwight steals the show here.
"Sexual Harrassment"- That's what she said.
"The Injury"- Michael burns his foot on a Foreman grill
"Gay Witch Hunt"- "I want this image burned into your brains"

Wrestlemania Moments: XV in Philadelphia

One of the few good things about going to college in Syracuse, New York is that it is an enjoyable but not too long road trip away from large cities and better times. Boston, New York City, Philadelphia, Buffalo, Niagara Falls, Toronto, and Montreal are all reasonable drives from the Syracuse campus. A good thing about the WWF is that they started out in the Northeast (Stamford, CT specifically) and have always been reliant on the Northeast fan base.

In 1999, the WWF decided to take Wrestlemania to another of its Northeast hubs, Philadelphia. Known to most as The City of Brotherly Love, The Birthplace of the Nation, and home of Cheesesteaks, to us Philadelphia was known as the future home to Donovan McNabb, The Birthplace of the Rocky movies, and home base to another guilty pleasure of ours, ECW. More importantly it was known as “only five hours away”.

I did not procure the tickets this time, Scott did through ebay I believe. The roster of attendees had changed this time to include myself, Scott, Coach, Josh, Josh’s best friend Horse, and Dan Greco. The drive down was myself Scott and Coach in Scott's Neon (not gay, very manly, bangs lots of chicks, hot ones!). Josh was already down there to meet Horse who went to Penn State. Greco I think was rendezvousing with a girl he was dating at the time that went to Rowan College in Southern New Jersey. They missed us flirting with some ladies around our age while driving making suggestive gestures and them taking their shirts off for us. All of this, while dangerous is the only way to make a drive down Pennsylvania even remotely entertaining.

After convening Saturday we watched college basketball games at a “little” sports bar called Dave & Buster’s. It was so “little” our group must have lost each other 5 times during the stay. The girl Greco was dating (whose name escapes me at this time) met us and took us to a bar on Delaware Street (whose name also escapes me at this time). After an uneventful night at the bar, we ended up walking through South Philadelphia to find a pizza shop called Lorenzo’s. Lorenzo’s only starts opening at 12am you get three seconds to order or you forfeit your place in line and it is still to this day THE BEST PIZZA I EVER HAD!. One thing I remember from outside Lorenzo’s was the outspoken Horse telling a story to two black people whom were smoking about a commercial he saw in which cigarettes turned a human into a monkey. I thought we were all dead at that point.

We manage to make it back to the hotel and the next day killing time in Philadelphia site seeing. Horse ran the Rocky steps through a Chicano studies protest, again expressing sympathy to minority concerns. We went to see the ECW Arena which looked like a pawn shop and made everyone uneasy as Scott and I posed for pictures. At last the time had come to attend another “Showcase of the Immortals”.

I remember distinctly espn.com did a poll asking viewers what they were looking forward to most this weekend. The choices were the Final Four, the Women’s Final Four, Wrestlemania, and baseball Opening Day. Wrestlemania was the runaway winner in the poll with 55% of the vote. It was at that point that I realized professional wrestling had never before been as popular as it was in 1999.

Billy Gunn vs. Hardcore Holly vs. Al Snow (Hardcore Title Match)- Gunn was known as "Mr. Ass" at this point and was the current Hardcore Champion even though there was little "hardcore" about him. All three of these guys were at their peak relevance at this point as was most of the WWF roster. Even in the home of ECW, hardcore meant gimmick object breaking matches. Holly won the Title which meant little but the match got a good reaction from the Philadelphia crowd.

Owen Hart and Jeff Jarrett vs. D-Lo Brown and Test (Tag Team Title Match)- The real star of the Hart/Jarrett Tag Team was Debra McMichael and the Tag Team known as her breasts. It was a pretty common formula, two guys have trouble getting over on their own, pair them together and put a hot chick with them. Worked every time. Brown and Test won a battle royal to earn this title shot but were a mismatched team. Jarrett rolled up Brown for the pin to retain the titles. Two months later Owen Hart would be dead from that horrific fall at Kemper Arena during the "Over the Edge" Pay-Per-View.

Butterbean vs. Bart Gunn (Brawl for All Match)- The setup is that Bart Gunn won a "Brawl For All" tournament among WWF superstars in Toughman boxing. While the tournament matches were the worst segment on Raw each week, the concept gave Gunn respect as a legitimate tough guy. It looked like the WWF had even figured out what to do with him. Until this night. You don't need to buy a book on career suicide, you just have to watch this 30 second match. Butterbean drops Gunn TWICE, the second time almost knocking him unconscious. Its a debated "real or not real" moment in wrestling because although everything in wrestling is planned or else it wouldn't be in wrestling, having a newly found star drop to a Toughman "tub of goo" in less than one round just flew in the face of all logic.

Mankind vs. Big Show (Winner is the Referee for the Main Event)- Great idea. Mankind was the ever-popular Mick Foley and Big Show was part of Vince McMahon's "Corporate Team". I almost thought a better idea would be to have them both be referees and have them fight DURING the Main Event but this worked too. Mankind won by disqualification after Show choked slammed him onto two steel chairs. McMahon and Show do the Andre/Heenan in-ring fall out from Wrestlemania 6 and Show would go on to start a new stable called "The Union".

Road Dogg vs. Ken Shamrock vs. Goldust vs. Val Venis (Intercontinental Title Match)- If you don't know Val Venis' gimmick was a wrestling Porn Star who would come on twirl a towel and cut a quick dick joke as his promo before every match. His and Goldusts' love interest at this time was Ryan Shamrock, Ken's sister who was as forgettable as Ken Shamrock was. Road Dogg was one of the five most popular superstars in the promotion. Road Dogg wins after Ryan turned on Goldust. Needless to say Ryan Shamrock would sprint back to obscurity after this.

Kane vs. Triple H- Chyna returns and hits Kane between the legs to give Kane the DQ win and DX reunion.

Sable vs. Tori- Not Torrie Wilson, this was a more manly looking Tori. Not as manly as Nicole Bass who debuted at this event giving Sable (now a heel) a win.

Shane McMahon vs. X-Pac (European Title Match)- Shane is, no joke one of the top 5 wrestlers on the roster, using his pay-per-view appearances to pull off some sick stunts which. He even got his real-life friends over as the "Mean Street Posse". Pretty much EVERYTHING was working for the WWF in 1999. Notice this card isn't even that good.

The Undertaker vs. The Big Boss Man (Hell in a Cell Match)- Scott's take on this match can't be matched. He is still incredulous over the ending of this match.

Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. The Rock (WWF Championship Match, Mankind the Special Referee)- This match was sort of a clusterfuck with the referee issue up in the air because of Mankind's injuries during his match with Big Show. The Rock was the "Corporate Champion" having won the title first at Survivor Series than in an "I Quit" Match against Mankind. The Rock oversold Austin's stunner. Then Vince got his first stunner as a payoff.

Epilogue: I distinctly remember the walk out of the arena Scott still incredulous over the Boss Man/Undertaker match. Me warning Philly fans about the pending draft pick of Donovan McNabb (his last game was the Orange Bowl against Florida, don't forget). Then us crowded in some SUV trying to find a strip club that was open on a Sunday night. We finally did. Josh claimed to have gotten "the best lap dance ever" at the club even though we were there for less than an hour. Lesson: Josh gets "the best lap dance ever" everytime he goes to a strip club. You will never hear Josh say "that lap dance sucked, and the worst part is I wasted 30 bucks on a girl I won't even kiss to dance in front of me and now she's doing the exact same thing to some 60 year old dude". I take the strip club venture as evidence that this weekend was so good, none of us wanted it to end. As Bryan Adams said "those were the best days of my life!"

Scott's Sponsor

Scott has posted his entire car ownership history on his blog.

The people at Google AdSense have found a mutually beneficial marketing arrangement between Scott's blog and one of his frequent sponsors.

I've seen this link at least four times on his blog and giggled every time.

When you post about country musicians from Oklahoma and the UCLA Dance Team, you don't get this kind of marketing.

Wrestlemania Moments

Wrestlemania 23 is this Sunday. The word "Wrestlemania" has a special meaning to me, not because of any of the events the past four years or the event this Sunday. But because of the memorable weekends I spent with friends attending Wrestlemanias XIV, XV, and X8, weekends that exemplify the best days of my life.

To commemorate these trips I will post retro-blogs for those weekends. The first one should sound familiar. I did it last year but never did one for the last two trips.

On Friday I'll preview Wrestlemania 23. For those curious as to what your former favorite pastime's "showcase of the immortals" is presenting this weekend.

In conjunction the only person that went on all three trips with me Scott will provide his memories.

Wrestlemania Moments: XIV in Boston

The Thursday night before Wrestlemania XIV, I remember meeting a Syracuse Co-Ed (who ironically went to my friend Coach’s fiancée’s high school) at Darwin’s going back to her house and receiving some decent oral pleasure. I remember lying in bed realizing what I had just gotten and that the next day, my buddies and I would be driving to my hometown and then to Boston to see Wrestlemania live and thinking “Life is good!”.

Upon hearing Wrestlemania XIV would be in Boston I applied for the WWF’s ticket lottery, which they were using to select attendants for this huge event in Boston’s smallish Fleet Center. I received word that I would be getting five tickets in January and immediately ran to my friend Josh, Coach, and Scott’s house to tell them we got the tickets. Coach was still sleeping but was awake enough to shout out “WE’RE GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!”. The four of us and bloggist extraordinaire Paul were indeed going to Wrestlemania.

Everyone but Scott (who may have had an interview for his DJ job at a Syracuse bar) came up Friday. We stopped at McDonald’s in Londonderry ordered hamburgers (which were relayed to the genius McD’s clerk as “cheeseburgers, no cheese” and I don’t think he was making a joke either) then settled in without much energy and nowhere to go out as most of us were not yet 21.

Saturday night we headed into Boston. While it is the largest city near me, at the time I did not know it very well. After showing Faneuil Hall and Quincy Market, I managed to get us pretty much lost the entire night. Then we saw two crazed wrestling fans in Stone Cold Steve Austin T-shirts running into the Park Plaza Hotel. What awaited us was a lobby meet and greet with the WWF wrestlers themselves. The late Owen Hart, D-Lo Brown, Terry Funk and others were shaking hands signing autographs, even Steve Austin peeped his head out then ran to allude a mob coming after him. We ended the night with drinks at “Who’s on First” which may have been the only 18+ bar in Boston.

Sunday afternoon after stopping for lunch at Wendy’s and seeing my high school football team picture up, we drove back into Boston for my first visit to the three year old Fleet Center, my first live wrestling event in Boston and our first WRESTLEMANIA! (I have since been to four pay-per-views in the building)

The WWF product was in upswing, although it had not yet reached the peak it would the following years. College age guys and teenagers were coming back to wrestling thanks to the presence of WWF Raw and WCW Nitro on Monday nights and the interest in the feud of all feuds between the two organizations. It was a couple weeks after this Wrestlemania that Raw would beat Nitro in the ratings after having lost every week for about two years. The WWF used this Wrestlemania as the launch of its new Attitude-era. It had screwed Bret Hart making hated heels out of Shawn Michaels and Vince McMahon and it was only a matter of time until McMahon feuded with emerging uber-star Stone Cold Steve Austin which would make the WWF billions. Mike Tyson was brought in on a hot-shot one appearance deal to ensure a solid buyrate for this Wrestlemania. He appeared several times on Raw scuffling with Austin before joining Michaels' “D-Generation X” group (Michaels, HHH, and Chyna a younger counter to the WCW’s rating machine, the nWo).

Wrestlemania XIV was the most anticipated WWF pay-per-view in over ten years and this is what they produced for millions on pay-per-view and the five of us in attendance:

15 Team Tag Team Battle Royal- The WWF gives wrestlers cuts from the Wrestlemania buyrate as part of their downside guarantees in their contract. Therefore to justify this they put on clusterfucks like this to get them on the show and take up time. Other than young Scott’s memory of the 1992 Royal Rumble, you never hear anyone say after a wrestling event “Man that was a great battle royal”. This wasn’t great either but it did provide the first “surprise” of the night the return of the Legion of Doom with Sunny as their manager. Sunny gets lost in wrestling babe lore because they didn’t really slut up the product until after she left. Addictions to coke and painkillers did in her career as well. Her husband Chris Candido died two years ago, so she couldn’t even “leak” out an enjoyable sex tape to boost her career. Anyway Legion of Doom wins the battle royal and it starts to kick in that WE’RE AT WRESTLEMANIA! (star rating: I don’t do star ratings, don’t play Dungeons and Dragons either, if I had to watch a wrestling match wondering if it was a *** or **** match I would have killed myself by now and died a virgin)

Aguila vs. Taka Michinoku- The WWF put on a Light Heavyweight Division of at max 4 guys to counter WCW’s much more talented and better booked Cruiserweight Division. My guess is with two guys that couldn’t speak English and did a bunch of high spots that could get them injured that this is when Vince McMahon went to the concession stands. He must have hated having to do this. A lot of “ooh’s” and “ahh’s” that kept the crowd’s attention. Michinoku wins and it should be pointed out that I have typed Michinoku three times now and it hasn’t come up in my spell check. Crazy.

The Rock does an interview with Gennifer Flowers (to emphasize the point that this was a new “Attitude” era in the WWF, they went out of their way to use celebrities with checkered pasts to appear at this Wrestlemania as opposed to Muhammad Ali and Bob Uecker). Rock goes on hilarious rants about homelessness and the judicial system and how they would effect The Rock as President. It was at this point people in the WWF knew they had a star on their roster.

Owen Hart vs. Triple H (European Title Match)- Its almost passé to make the joke about no one competing for the European Title being from Europe. The best thing they ever did with this belt was put it on D-Lo Brown as a joke. The catch here is Sgt. Slaughter, the current Commissioner of the WWF and Chyna were handcuffed together to insure an absence of interference. Of course it did not work. Chyna threw powder in Slaughter’s eyes and gave Hart the nut shot to end the match. Chyna was jacked in 1998 and this was around the time her and HHH were dating. That guy really has a thing for muscles.

The Artist Formerly Known as Goldust and Luna vs. Marc Mero and Sable- Goldust turned from his traditional all gold character to some Sn’M freak that I guess worked. Sable was clearly the star here although this was a good year away from her Playboy shoot. My friend Paul actually bought a Sable T-shirt that I am willing to guess he even may have worn in the last month. The payoff is Sable giving Luna a powerbomb and a TKO. Which was Marc Mero’s finishing move. All of us look at each other and say “Holy Shit!” They were doing a jealousy angle that was probably closer to real life than anything going on in wrestling at that point.

The Rock vs. Ken Shamrock (Intercontinental Title Match)- Contrary to some people’s recollections this was not a “Charisma on a Pole Match” that Rock won convincingly. After the coup of bringing Ken Shamrock to do professional wrestling, the WWF really had no idea what to do with him. It was the next year they started giving wrestlers sexual gimmicks (e.g. “Sexual Chocolate” Mark Henry). My idea was to make Shamrock a chronic masturbator. How funny would that be that Shamrock would have a guy pinned, see some girl in a tight shirt in the crowd then ignore his opponent and start rubbing one out? Then have the opponent roll him up with his pants down for the win. Trust me it’s a better idea than anything they did with Ken Shamrock while he was under contract. Anyway The Rock wins by planting brass knuckles on Shamrock proving to all that pro wrestlers are smarter than Ultimate Fighters.

New Age Outlaws vs. Cactus Jack and Chainsaw Charlie (Tag Team Title/Dumpster Match)- Chainsaw Charlie was Terry Funk with a chainsaw serial killer gimmick. This is the kind of thing the WWF could get away with in 1998 that would never fly now. The Outlaws were cult popular at this point for their pre-match “You’re ass better CALLLLL somebody” shtick. Fun match with a lot of sick bumps that were enough to send a crowd home happy on its own. It’s easy to forget that Funk was in his late 50’s at this point falling off ladders onto tables and shit. Ridiculous! Not enough to beat The Outlaws though.

Pete Rose comes out and delivers some anti-Boston lines. I was so happy they were acknowledging the home city at Wrestlemania during my first live event there that I didn’t notice just how badly he was delivering the lines. Anyway he was interrupted by Kane and given the Tombstone in what is the most remembered moment of this Wrestlemania and the first of three straight confrontations between these two that became a quite enjoyable “feud”.

Undertaker vs. Kane- Okay, this is the first of about 800 Undertaker-Kane matches so it’s easy to forget what the actual feud was about. Paul Bearer turned on The Undertaker and told a story about The Undertaker setting his family’s house on fire. His brother was burned beyond recognition during the fire and had returned to seek revenge. So Kane came out during Undertaker’s Hell in a Cell Match with Shawn Michaels and vowed to destroy the Undertaker. The Undertaker refused to face “his brother” as a promise to his dead parents. It wasn’t until Kane lit The Undertaker’s casket on fire after causing him to lose a casket match to Michaels that The Undertaker accepted Kane’s challenge. Again, in 1998 and so many characters becoming less gimmicky and more extensions of themselves, the public accepted this tale. The match itself was only saved by a table spot from the top rope by Undertaker. It was pretty bad and both guys probably should have retired at this point. Any wrestling fan knows The Undertaker is undefeated at Wrestlemania so of course he didn’t lose here.

Steve Austin vs. Shawn Michaels (WWF Championship Match) with Mike Tyson as the Special Enforcer- If you know enough about wrestling you know that referee’s control the timing of a match and with this being the last match on a stacked card and only three hours of pay-per-view time. It was too much of a risk to make someone with the mental capacity of Mike Tyson in charge as a Special Referee. Of course Tyson was the major selling part of the pay-per-view as he was guaranteed PPV gold and serving his suspension from the Nevada State Athletic Commission for biting Evander Holyfield’s ear. The Massachusetts State Athletic Commission came out against this but of course pro wrestling wasn’t in their jurisdiction. Jaded by internet wrestling media, we knew that Michaels was on three shots of cortisone on his back and wasn’t winning this match and taking what turned out to be almost five years off. Still to see Stone Cold win the WWF title was something we felt privileged to be in attendance for. He won with Tyson turning on Michaels and D-Generation X, knocking out Michaels setting him up for the Stone Cold Stunner. Confetti flies and me, my friends, and the WWF have its first memorable Wrestlemania in a long time!

Epilogue: I will mention because I’ll get pasted if I don’t that on the ride back to Syracuse I got pulled over and taken into police custody as my license I was driving with was suspended at the time. I was wearing my Wrestlemania t-shirt at the time and I was just glad that driving with a suspended license wasn’t considered news media worthy. I remember sitting in the station handcuffed thinking “Life is still good, I went to Wrestlemania!!”

UC? or LA?

Paul from Fair Lawn wants to know:

I'd also like to hear your thoughts on the UCLA cheerleaders' Mbah a Moute jersey dresses as compared to traditional cheerleader outfits.

Anyone whose paid attention knows that UCLA's Dance Team wears traditional blue one piece uniforms in the first half...



Then at Halftime changes to large basketball jerseys with blue knee high socks. The outfit is suggestive that the girls are not wearing pants.



This is a no-brainer. The knee high socks make the Second Half outfit. While Aaron "Wherever you may go, I'll" Affalo is stroking threes, I'm stroking something else.

The Answer

I had sex in 1995, then a bunch of times afterwards when I was in college. If I ever have it again, I'll let you know but it wasn't this weekend.

I rooted for Georgetown last week when they played Boston College. I had them in my pool and I HATE Boston College, worse than Georgetown.

I changed a flat tire early in the month in pitch dark and -7 degree weather which felt like -20. Sometimes you have no choice but to suffer.

But this weekend, I bought my very first Country music CD.

Carrie Underwood's "Some Hearts".

I've been in love with Carrie Underwood for a long time, ever since she was in her "can't turn any gig down" phase singing national anthems and doing halftimes for every sporting event ever held.

She is the only American Idol contestant my mother has called to vote for.

The music is a guilty pleasure and something I fully expect to take a heap of shit for. But I found almost all the songs on the CD to be a combination of fun, relaxing, and well written.

Among the highlights:

"Wasted"- One of three songs to reference Whiskey, which leads me to believe that Ms. Underwood is a fun girl to drink with.

"Before He Cheats"- The song that has gotten her the most mainstream radio airplay. I'm waiting for the follow-up "After She's Arrested".

"Jesus, Take the Wheel"- A running punchline between Paul and I as Jesus was my driver's ed instructor but not Paul's. As preachy as the title suggests. It's about a single mother who on a drive to Cincinnati catches a patch of black ice, survives miraculously than decides she needs to put out less (I swear to god, listen to it once).

The best song may be the one Underwood wrote her self titled "I Ain't it Checotah (her hometown in Oklahoma) Anymore". I'm sure every country artist has done a song like this but this has to better than most. Here's a sample lyric.

My hotel in Manhattan
Holds more people than our town
And what I just paid for dinner
Would be a down payment on a house
I'd rather be tippin' cows in Tulsa
Than hailin' cabs here in New York
But I ain't in Checotah anymore

If you're "country-curious" this is a good ice-breaker. Its about half pop-half country. And highly recommended by The Pizza Parlor.

Pop Quiz

What did Pizza Parlor Derek do for the FIRST time this past weekend?

a) Have sex.
b) Root for Georgetown
c) Buy a country music CD
d) Change a Tire
e) All of the above.

Answer after the first guess.

Final Four Thoughts

Well the NCAA filtered down the field this weekend to the Final Four Regional Champions. Ohio State, UCLA, Florida, and Georgetown. Here are my random thoughts from the weekend.

-Joey Dorsey, welcome to the Jerramy Stevens Hall of Idiots.

-If you didn't have any interest in the Kansas-UCLA game then you probably didn't enjoy it, but if you had money on the line. This defensive battle was a roller-coaster ride throughout which seemed much closer than what the score was.

-UCLA has a ridiculously hot cheerleader that almost got as much camera time as Tajuan Porter's Cauliflower Ear (or whatever that growth was).

-They also have a complete hack in Lorenzo Mata who loves to high five. In one sequence he missed a layup and gave up his 4th foul, then high fived his teammates on the way to the bench. This guy is going to take years off my life next weekend.

-Pizza Parlor KeriAnn during the UNC-Georgetown game "Why does Hansborough (that's how she said it) wear that mouthpiece, without it he looks cute, with it it looks like he's missing teeth." PPKA does not know that a) Hansbrough got elbowed in the face three weeks ago and b) they've shown his girlfriend at games, he's doing just fine.

-The consensus Final seems to be Florida vs. Ohio State. If so, someone will have to research whether or not that is the first time the College football and basketball national championship games have featured the same two schools. I'm guessing it is.

-Congratulations to Mike Friedlander who had a perfect weekend, picking all 8 Elight Eight teams and all 4 Final Four teams. This means he's picked at least 12 games in a row. An impressive stretch, the likes of which I don't think I've ever seen in doing NCAA pools.

-The Golf Ball survived the weekend. Although to be honest I don't like UCLA's matchups against any of the other three teams in the tournament. They don't have the size to contain any of the other three teams low-post players. Meaning the Golf Ball's hopes rest on the shooting of Aaron "Wherever you May Go, I'll" Affalo (You're with ME Leather!)