Monday, July 18, 2005

The Annotated Pizza Parlor

Restaurant Critic: The Annotated Pizza Parlor

The set-up: The name of this blog.
The quip: The Pizza Parlor.
The read: Derek loves pizza. He also loves “The Sopranos.” When Christopher finally got made he was full of himself and he didn’t want any activity in the local pizza parlor that would bring it in disrepute. He urged others “don’t disrespect the pizza parlor.”

The set-up: Derek’s name for himself.
The quip: Loverboy.
The read: “Loverboy” is a classic 1980s movie in which Patrick Dempsey is a pizza delivery boy who earns extra money by having sex with the women who order pizza with extra anchovies. Hilarity ensues.

The set-up: the name of this column.
The quip: The Annotated Pizza Parlor.
The read: A rip-off of “The Annotated Alice,” a collection of explanations of references in Lewis Carroll’s “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland” and “Through the Looking Glass.” The idea was stolen for a column called “The Annotated Dennis Miller” chronicling the comic’s obscure references on “Monday Night Football.”

The set-up: Saturday’s column, the republishing of an archived column will be called “Cold Pizza.”
The quip: And the best part about this "Cold Pizza": No Skip Bayless!:
The read: “Cold Pizza” is a ESPN2’s morning show. Skip Bayless is one of the horrible co-hosts of the show. He is just there to argue with Woody Paige. Bayless is a very animated speaker but all his hand movements seem wooden.

The set-up: Derek republishes the wedding blogs from Josh Hughes’ and Scott Isaacs’ weddings.
The quip: Hopefully these will keep you occupied until the "Paul Amin Wedding Blog" due out Monday, September 5.
The read: Paul Amin is getting married Sunday September 4th.

The set-up: AFI puts out list of 100 Greatest Movie Lines.
The quip: Disappointed "Stop Looking at me Swan!" did not make the list.:
The read: A line from “Billy Madison.” Derek once yelled this at a real swan. Beers threw a pebble at the swan, slipped and fell in the mud. Kristen was furious.

The set-up: Mr. Blackwell’s worst dressed celebrities list.
The quip: You think Mr. Blackwell may be gay?:
The read: Mr. Blackwell is in fact, openly gay. He has been with his partner Robert Specner for 40 years. Blackwell’s real name is Richard Seltzer and his autobiography is “From Rags to Bitches.”

The set-up: Derek discusses College Football's new Harris Interactive Collegefootball Poll (HICP)
The quip: I look forward to calling this "The Hiccup" all season long.
The read: Derek hates the BCS.

The set-up: A horse made ESPN’s list of 100 greatest athletes from the 1900s but his favorite quarterback didn’t.
The quip: Substitute Secretariat with John Elway and the list is perfect!
The read: John Elway has a horseface.

The set-up: Derek thinks the list of Most Awesomely Bad Dirrty Songs is very funny.
The quip: Don't get anything to drink if you see this on a Saturday Afternoon, you'll be drinking most of it through your nose.
The read: Snarfing is the common term for laughing so hard while drinking, that the drink is expelled through your nose. This has something to do with airflow, and the connectivity between your nose and throat.

The set-up: Red Sox Injured pitcher Curt Schilling has barely pitched for the Red Sox this season.
The quip: “Hey Curt? Can you turn away from the Everquest for a second? Curt you don’t have to reply to everyone on Sons of Sam Horn. Curt? Curt? Curt wait to call WEEI what I have to say is important.
The read: Schilling has been known to spend hours playing Everquest, an online role-playing game. He also is a frequent poster to message boards on the Red Sox fan site, He is a frequent called to Boston’s all-sports talk-radio station WEEI, usually defend himself, the manager or the team.

The set-up: Red Sox relief pitcher Mike Timlin is upset about not being named to the All-Star team.
The quip: “Stop complaining about not making the All Star Team. If your lord and savior Jesus Christ wanted you on the All Star Team, he would have put you on the All Star Team.”
The read: Mike Timlin loves Jesus.

The set-up: Struggling Red Sox closer Keith Foulke gets booed.
The quip: “Johnny from Burger King, ha! That’s good, very funny. A collective guffaw from everyone working in food service.”
The read: Foulke was asked about the recent boos he’s heard. Foulke said he feels badly about letting down his teammates, but he’s not concerned about the reaction of fans, especially those who work in food service like Derek.

The set-up: Softball will not be on the Olympic schedule in 2012.
The quip: When you go after Olympic Softball, then I'm outraged.
The read: Derek loves softball, and was the first to jump on the Jennie Finch bandwagon, which he still drives.

The set-up: Hulk Hogan’s daughter is trying to launch her musical career.
The quip: Brooke, a 16-year-old fledgling pop singer whose album "Three Years Too Late" will be in stores sometime this year with the first single "Stop Calling Me Christina" hitting radio stations, well, never.
The read: Brooke would have been more successful had she come along in 2002 before the end of the age of the young blond female pop singer. She does not want to invite comparisons to Christina Aguilera despite similarities in physical appearance, dress and music style.


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