Wednesday, July 20, 2005

"Toppings": American Strip Club Top 20

This weekend we celebrate Paul Amin's last days of bachelorhood with a pilgrimmage to Foxwoods. During the course of the weekend we will venture off to Rhode Island for the reason why Rhode Island was invented. So that natives of Massachusetts and Connecticut can see fully nude women! Every trip to a strip club has certain expectations. Silicone, "Cokenail", and cheesy music are just some.

This week's "Toppings" are a list of 20 strip club songs, I expect to hear at Club Paradise this weekend, and in my opinion are the 20 Best Strip Club Songs of all time.

20. "Don't Cha"- Pussycat Dolls: This is almost a guarantee for this weekend and speaks to many taken men who visit strip clubs where the strippers may as well ask "Don't Cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me"

19. "Pond de Replay"- Rhianna: Why wouldn't I hear this at a strip club? I hear it everywhere else.

18. "Dip it Low"- Christina Milan: No one knows exactly what dipping it low is, but we assume it has something to do with sex. If the stripper spins in chocolate like Christina does in this video, I'll tip the $5.

17. "Up All Night"- Slaughter: Get ready, there's a few of these. "Up All Night, Sleep All Day" speaks to many a stripper's lifestyle.

16. "Gerardo"- Rico Suave: "My favorite addiction has to do with the female species, I eat them raw like sushi". I could never DJ at a strip club I would put this on repeat all day and annoy patrons and dancers alike.

15. Shake your Ass girl, because I'm Taking you to the Candy Shop, In a Little Bit,- 50 Cent: That same song 50 produced 3 times for radio stations because they won't play the rest of the songs on 'The Massacre' because they're about shooting niggas.

14. "Talk Dirty to Me"-Poison: Wouldn't be a list without Poison.

13. "Naughty Naughty"-Danger Danger: Yes Yes.

12. "Magic Stick"- Lil Kim and 50 Cent: You think these two may have had sex during the recording of this song? Maybe?

11. "Thong Song"- Sisqo: Again odds are 10:1 we WON'T hear this

...We take a moment for a long distance dedication. Desire from Providence writes: Dear American Strip Club Top 20,
My name is Desire and I worked at Club Paradise for five years. About two years ago I met Dominic, a hairy chested Italian American in his mid 40's. He asked me for a private lap dance, and when he told me he was Rhode Island's biggest cocaine dealer I was more than willing to oblige. Not only did I not charge him for a lap dance, one lap dance turned into two, turned into seven. I let him touch my wet cooch, which is against club policies, and gave him a happy ending that undoubtedly left him satisfied. In return he gave me what appeared to be 10 grams of coke for me to share with the dancers at the club. Only when we got home, we got no high and found it to be baking soda.
I was hurt that someone like Dominic would do that to me. Would you please play Alanis Morrisettes' "You Oughta Know" and tell Dominic "Fuck You".

Desire, No! Now back to the countdown...

10. "I Want Action"- Poison: To quote one of those obscure writer/comedians when this song came up on 40 Most Awesomely Bad Dirrty Songs Ever, "Well good for you, who doesn't".

9. "Seventeen"-Winger: In the event we get a really young stripper and want to think she could even possible be under 18, even though thats illegal everywhere.

8. "Coming of Age"- Damn Yankees: "Little sister, hits the stage, don't you know it, She's COMING OF AGE, Little junior, he's all in a rage, he can't help it, She's COMING OF AGE" This song is ABOUT STRIPPING. Very underappreciated stripping song.

7. "How Many Licks"- Lil' Kim and Sisqo: The only song on the list with a fake orgasm in it. The closest mainstream radio ever got to porn.

6. "DiVinyls"- I Touch Myself: Will always have an affinity for this song as it came out just when I was first starting to touch myself.

5. "Dr. Feelgood"-Motley Crue: I get goosebumps everytime some whore comes out to this song.

4. "Dirrty"-Christina Aguilera: I'm sure someday Christina Aguilera will claim she didn't want to do this slutty phase of her career but her record company forced her to. Whatever the reason it gave the crazy stripper that jumps onto the pole and does the jump split on the stage something to dance to.

3. "Cherry Pie"- Warrant: Could make a case for No. 1 but this mainly ballad band gets much more mileage out of this song than "Wait". There is better stripping in this video than in most strip clubs today.

2. "I'm a Slave 4 U"- Britney Spears: This may outrage some people, but the fact is strip clubs are trying to get away from 80's hair metal and this anthem of Lolita-Submission is what the strip club experience is becoming for us. It is almost definite to be played when we arrive in Rhode Island, whether you like it or not.

1. "Girls, Girls, Girls"- Motley Crue: The song that started it all. A song dedicated to strippers, for strippers to dance to. You can debate the rest of the list but Number One is a no-brainer.


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