Tuesday, August 30, 2005

The Annotated Pizza Parlor: College Football Edition

It's time to break down Derek's College Football Preview, and a tie up a couple loose ends.

The set-up: Boston College has no obvious rivals in its new conference, the ACC.
The quip: I can't promise a "Clemson Sucks, Whitehurst Swallows" t-shirt.
The read: Clemson is led by quarterback Charlie Whitehurst. Derek, a Red Sox fan, owns a T-shirt that says "Yankees Suck, Jeter Swallows." He owns that t-shirt, he did not "borrow" it from me.

The set-up: Florida State had a rough off-season.
The quip: Then the starting quarterback jumped on a hood of a car calling himself "God."
The read: FSU QB Wyatt Sexton was found lying in the street. He then told police has was either God, or the son of God. Now he has Lyme Disease. The last time Lyme Disease was used as an excuse for erratic behavior it led to Irene leaving the house and Stephen smacking her in the face on "Real World: Seattle."

The set-up: Virginia Tech's season relies on its young quarterback Marcus Vick, brother of Atlanta Falcons quarterback Mike Vick.
The quip: Marcus Mexico.
The read: Mike Vick made headlines when an ex-girlfriend sued him, alleging he gave her herpes. She also claimed that Vick used the alias Ron Mexico on his herpes tests.

The set-up: Virginia Tech Coach Frank Beamer
The quip: Frank "Lollipop, lollipop, OH OH OH LOLLIPOP!"
The read: In 2001, Beamer accused the Syracuse holder of using a lollipop stick on the field to give the kicker an unfair advantage.

The set-up: Derek picks Michigan to finish #2 in the country and win the Big Ten.
The quip: Sorry, Daren.
The read: Derek's brother, Daren, graduated from the Ohio State University. He hates Michigan. He loves gymnastics, the Civil War and red hair.

The set-up: Louisville-West Virginia is Derek's game of the week for October 15.
The quip: No Francisco Garcia, no Kevin Pittsnogle.
The read: Louisville and West Virginia played a great game in the NCAA basketball tournament. Garcia and Pittsnogle led their teams. Pittsnogle is a great player who has made an amazing transformation. As a freshman, Pittsnogle was a skinny 6-10 center who was too timid and would only play from the outside. He looked about 10 years old, and wore a t-shirt under his jersey. Sometime over those two years he hit puberty. He grew a goatee, ditched the t-shirt and exposed his guns and his huge tattoo. Now he bangs inside, drains threes and pounds his chest.

The set-up: Manny Ramirez asks to be traded from the Red Sox.
The quip: The entire fantasy trade deadline column.
The read: It would take forever to go over every reference in this column. Suffice it to say, cooking wins championships.



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