Wednesday, July 27, 2005

The Annotated Pizza Parlor

The set-up: Derek discusses “Dip it Low” by Christina Milian.
The quip: No one knows exactly what dipping it low is.
The read: I do. Let’s break this own down. Dip it low = bend your knees as if you are going to sit on the ground, until your booty is as close to the floor as it can go. Next, bring it up slow = slowly raise your booty until you are in the position of an L, legs straight, torso parallel to the ground. Now the hard part, roll it all around, poke it out like your back broke = move your booty in circles. For a tip on how to do this please consult the new Jessica Simpson video airing nightly at 11:30 on MTVderek. Finally, pop, pop, pop that thing = push your booty out quickly and rapidly. There, I’ve taught you how to make your man say ohhhhhhhhhhhh.

The set-up: Derek doesn’t understand the Tour De France.
The quip: How does Armstrong finish 33rd in a stage and still lead the event.
The read: The Tour is a cumulative event, time matters, place doesn’t. Also, since most stages are run in a pack or peleton, the 33rd place finisher could be in a group only a few seconds behind the stage winner.

The set-up: More on the Tour.
The quip: And why does Armstrong have to ride with his team to do well.
The read: Believe it or not, cycling is a team sport. Teammates ride in front of Armstrong to create a wind-breaking shield. Not the type of wind breaking popularized by Josh and Eric. They also help set the pace to tire out other riders. And they help keep Armstrong out of harm’s way by serving as barriers in the event of a crash.

The set-up: The Tour De Freedom pulls through Columbus, Ohio.
The quip: I’m sure Ohio State boosters will be recruiting the Serbian cyclists, regardless of if they can read English or not.
The read: The basketball program at The Ohio State University is mired in a recruiting scandal involving Serbian players. The players were given no-show jobs, gifts and illegal help with schoolwork. Most of this was arranged through a man named Simi, whom every single player described as his Uncle. Uncle Simi also represents Detroit Pistons superstar, Darko Milicic.

The set-up: The Tour De Freedom rolls into western Pennsylvania.
The quip: …stop at State College for the cyclists to get some Waffle House.
The read: Waffle House is a great American restaurant specializing in breakfast foods for late night drunken consumption. While Waffle Houses are mostly located in the south you can find some above the Mason Dixon Line. There are 54 locations in Ohio, 13 in Colorado, 14 in Indiana, 2 in Illinois and 9 in Pennsylvania.

The set-up: HBO’s Deadwood has a lot of cursing in the dialogue.
The quip: I don't fucking watch fucking Deadwood as the fucking dialogue is too fucking confusion to fucking decipher between all the fucking gratuitous fucking cursing.
The read: I don't watch Deadwood as the dialogue is too confusing to decipher between all the gratuitous cursing.

The set-up: Derek loves the new song by Rihanna.
The quip: What the hell does “Pond De Replay” mean?
The read: Pon De Replay means Put on the Replay; it is a request to the deejay to play that song again. This is not to be confused with "Pon de River Pon de Bank," a popular song for Elephant Man. I’ll let Elephant Man himself explain that one: "In Jamaica, we have a lot of rivers, and we have a lotta bank. So the dancing move is like jumping into the water and coming back out. So that's how the style goes, like you're jumping in and jumping out, and then you give them a run and then you go down the flank like a footballer."



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