Extra Sauce: The ‘Fantasy’ Trade Deadline

Imagine you are a wealthy, handsome man in your early 30s, which everyone would like to be. You live in a decent neighborhood with people of all income levels. You have no shortage of willing women available to you at any time and you have been known to play with many now and then.

Last October, you married a Playboy level supermodel, in her early 30s. The wedding was spectacular, easily the greatest moment of your life. The honeymoon lasted three months and this spring you excitedly started your life as a married couple. Your wealthier, and mostly more eligible next door neighbor was insane with jealousy having to watch it all. Life just can’t get any better.
However it is now summer and the honeymoon is clearly over. She maxes out your credit card every month. In fairness to her she did this before you married her, but its starting to annoy you because, while the sex is still good, some nights its clear she is just going through the motions. She was somewhat of a head case when you met her and even though it was cute then, it is getting tiresome now and you find yourself wondering whether or not it is worth swapping her for two 19 year olds.

To make things worse, your golfing buddy just told you that his wife told him that during a yoga session, your wife said she is curious about seeing other people. When you confront her with this rumor, she confirms it, claiming that you give her TOO MUCH attention and that she is bored with the relationship.

You feel compelled to do something, you can’t have an unhappy wife for years or she will just become more unhappy but a divorce could break you and you should get something in return for her, she is still very hot.

The problem is there are only two men in your neighborhood that could afford her lavish lifestyle. Your rival neighbor, Joe, whom the thought of any of your ex-wives or girlfriends being with makes you ill to your stomach, and his neighbor, Willie, a well off lawyer who has been trying to make the leap you made last October forever now. You two aren’t best friends, in fact you have some bitter history, but that was long ago and you can always enjoy a drink or two while talking about how much you hate your mutual rival.

Willie is willing to offer you his secretary, a pretty 25 year old college graduate. It’s good because your secretary just went on maternity leave (not yours thankfully) and you are in need of some extra help around the office. He is willing to take on your pricey wife, even though his secretary is nowhere near the league of your wife, but he tells you his dilemma, he needs a late night cook, and your late night cooking is in shambles. The conversation takes a sad note, when you come up with an idea. “What about Louie?”

Louie, lives on the far end of your street, in a one story ranch. Quite the loser, Lou is often drunk, can’t hold a job, smokes two packs a day, borrows your tools and never returns them and is just going nowhere in life. Despite this he manages to land some decent ass and LOVES young girls.

So Louie shows up and is all about your conversation. He offers his late night cook to Willie which makes him downright giddy about this arrangement. And he offers you this cocktail waitress he’s been sleeping with for a quite a while now. She’s a good looking girl with a great body who could prosper with the right guy.

In exchange, Louie wants your Friday and Saturday babysitters and Willie’s babysitter. It’s tough because you’ve grown quite fond of your babysitters knowing they are going to be smoking hot one day you’d hate to give them up, but it may be worth it.

The problem is, of all the girls being talked about in this swap, none of the girls you’re getting can cook. Everyone knows cooking is at a premium and yours needs improvement. Your best dinner cook is cooking you breakfast because your regular breakfast cook just can’t make an omelet like she did last year. You need cooking, it’s all about cooking and to give up your Playboy hot wife and your babysitter for just a secretary and a cocktail waitress just doesn’t seem worth it.

Louie passes out after his eighth shot of Jack Daniels and can not continue to talk. So you and Willie forget about Louie’s late night cook and the cocktail waitress. He is still willing to take your wife and is still willing to give you his secretary, just one problem. He wants the Friday babysitter now too. Which makes you feel it reasonable to ask for his babysitter.

He brings up your need to rid yourself of her financial burden; you claim that while that is true, your wife is worth more than what he is willing to pay. Then you realize something.

You love your wife. She hasn’t become all that different from when you met her and she has since backed off her "seeing other people" comment at the yoga session. Your family gets along with her, despite her flaws, and keeping her around isn’t the worst thing that can happen. And she is really really hot!

The lesson: You can not trade a hot wife and get no cooking in return.