The Next Big Sport: Competitive Drinking

You've heard people say all the time that they can "drink you under the table" or call you a "lightweight" or say you can't "hold your liquor". But has anyone ever challenged you to do so?

Motivated by my death-defying Birthday experience this past Saturday, and the insurgence of non sports like Poker and even more rediculous Competitive Eating, I have come up with the newest television craze: Competitive Drinking.

Who would not watch two people getting drunk by the minute, going mano a mano to see who can hold their liquor better? Of course with all competitions their has to be some sanctioning rules. Here are my suggested guidelines.

1. Weight Classes- It is unfair for a 110lb. freshman to compete with anyone nicknamed The Icebox, everyone knows whose going to win that drinking contest so it is better for people of equal sizes to challenge each other.

2. Controlled drinks- Each contestant should be drinking the same brand of beer or liquor to eliminate any pre-ordained advantages or disadvantages caused by difference of proof. If the rum I'm drinking is Malibu and the rum you're drinking is Bacardi 151, Needless to say, I have a distinct advantage in our drinking contest.

3. 12 Rounds- Just like a boxing match. Unlike a boxing match, the rounds are not judged.

4. 12 Drinks- Pint of Light Beer, Pint of Beer, Pint Glass One Liquor Mixer (e.g. Rum and Coke), Ping Glass Two Liquor Mixer (e.g. Margarita), Glass of Red Wine, Glass of White Wine, Shot of Vodka, Shot of Tequila, Shot of Rum, Shot of Whiskey, Shot of Bourbon/Scotch, Wild Card Drink (any of the previous 11)

5. 1 Bartender/Referee- Pours Shots or Drinks, calls match when he determine's one contestant can't continue. He's probably going to be pretty liberal, considering two people will be eliminated from throwing any game at any of the women in the room after this is all said and done.

6. 10 Minute Rounds, 1 Drink per Round- Each contestant has ten minutes to finish their drink (that seems like a lot of time, but towards the end it isn't)

7. Contestants choose his opponent's drink each round.

8. Contestants can only choose a drink once per match. Say I make my opponent take a shot of Vodka in Round 1, I can not make him drink another shot of Vodka unless I declare it my "Wild Card" shot which can only be used once but at any time.

9. Contestants can not drink the same drink in the same round. If my opponent makes me drink Light Beer, I can't contrarily make him drink Light Beer too in the same round. I must choose something else. Contestants alternate first choice, round by round.

10. Vomiting is considered a knockdown, not a knockout. Meaning 'Puking and Rallying' is possible but consecutive pukes will probably result in the referee calling the match.

11. No Water Allowed!

12. Match can only be decided by contestant submission, referee's technical knockout or if neither has happened to either contestant after 12 rounds. A brief sobriety test is submitted to determine the winner (who can still walk).

13. Women's Division- 8 rounds instead of 12, Zima can substitute for beer. Winners accept their prize on the edge of my bed, just sit down and make yourself comfortable, you deserve it!

This could not fail! The post game interviews alone would be worth watching. Of course, I have yet to try this. It could kill, therefore I am not recommending anyone do it, just saying it would make for good late night ESPN2 programming.

Let the Games Begin!