Weekend in Sports Purgatory: All-Star Saturday Night

So, the NBA is teasing Las Vegas, even though putting a franchise there seems to be years away, at least by putting its All-Star Game there this weekend. Surprisingly the only trouble anybody's gotten in is Reggie Bush with the Saints for twisting his ankle in a Charity Basketball Game. All-Star Saturday Night consisted of:

Shooting Stars Competition- Where a current NBA Player, retired NBA player, and a WNBA player from the same city all shoot from different spots on the court then shoot from half court and whomever gets the half court shot in in the least amount of time wins. This is good for comedic fodder as George Gervin, Bill Laimbeer and Michael Cooper try to fit into their old uniforms and pretend to be in basketball shape. Ironically the Chicago team had Scottie Pippen on it who is attempting a comeback. The announcers played this like a tryout for Pippen. Anyway clock issues took away from this and Detroit won on a DQ when Ben Gordon shot out of turn. Moving on...

Skills Challenge- Surprised they actually got established stars to do this. Wouldn't think Kobe Bryant or Dwayne Wade would risk embarrassment trying to pass a ball through tires, which is exactly what happened to Bryant as he was about to win but couldn't pass a ball through the first tire. Apparently Wade's a back-to-back champion of this event. I'm sure he cares.

Charles Barkley vs. Dick Bavetta in a Foot Race- I'm an NBA lamen and don't watch every TNT Friday Night broadcast which I'm sure you need to do to get the backstory here, but Barkley miraculously beats the 5 mile a day runner Bavetta, then falls as the announcers laugh at Charles. Good for what it was and actually gave me an idea for Halftime of next year's Pro Bowl an ARM WRESTLING CONTEST BETWEEN SHANNON SHARPE AND ED HOCHULI! That's about the only thing that could get me to watch the Pro Bowl at this point.

Three Point Shootout- Jason Kapono beats Gilbert Arenas and Dirk Nowitzki. Kapono plays for the Heat and they kept showing Shaquille O'Neal and some hot chick after his routines. Even though O'Neal probably just found out that Kapono plays for the Heat that night. The post-interview tried to play Kapono and Shaq as best friends, I didn't buy it.

Slam-Dunk Contest- Who allowed partners in this event? When did this become the "Alley-Oop" Contest? There were too many props and watching Nate Robertson attempt the same bounce 360 was excruciating. Everyone's giving Michael Jordan a hard time for being stingy with his scores. Who can blame him? This was like Emeril Lagasse walking into a Waffle House asking him how he liked his Hash Browns with Frank's Red Hot.

Anyway, Gerald Green of the Celtics wins by paying homage to Dee Brown and doing dunks below what he was doing in High School. Magic Johnson said it was good "to see SOMETHING GOOD happen for the Boston Celtics" as if this was salvaging their season. Only Greg Oden or Kevin Durant will salvage their season. Got that?